who farted?
I was supposed to finish writing a bunch of jokes that I am doing tomorrow I have half done in my head but instead I spent the entire day fucking reaching into dark crevices pulling out old bottle caps and dried up rotten limes and wiping anonymous gunk of stuff, whatever. I'm not done cleaning either.
I also have an interview (holy shit again how many jobs can I not get?) tomorrow but I dunno about it all because remember when I filed a formal complaint about my teacher that tried to do me but then I was all blah not into it so he got some other student to go down on him and he came on her bra and she was too drunk to put it back on and he didn't know what was up so he shoved it in my purse and I woke up and found it and was like wow, awesome. I love my life. I dont think I told the internet that before so you probably don't remember. Last I knew that guy worked where I have my interview. I emailed in my resume and didn't know where it was for. Oh yeah details of the story are he quit the school after I filed the complaint. Umm so what's the proper interview ettiquette for that? should I just bring in the cumstained bra which I still have and be all HEY DOES THIS OLD CUM TASTE LIKE IT BELONGS TO ONE OF YOUR STAFF MEMBERS?!?!?!? cus if it does, that's cool, I dont want to work here anyway.
I wish Christina Aguilera was my friend cus she has so much cool shoes and clothes and stuff and even tho she couldn't lend it to me because I am like a million times bigger than her, I bet she would just buy me a bunch of cool stuff too cus I'd be like duh christina I drank most of my paycheque and she'd be like okay I guess I'm a millionaire anyway and also your kinda fat and your teeth are crooked so whatever if you wear the same clothes as me I will just look better in comparison, no biggie.
Also I would make her cool cus she'd be like hey I hang with the common people and also HELLO WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY and umm, oh yeah, another thing is that I could totally impress her with my extensive collection of Peggy Lee records and knowledge of jazz standards and we would get drunk and hang out on piano's and dress up and walk around making kissy faces at ourselves in the mirror and then I'd start whining about how I wish I had a boyfriend and she's so lucky she's happily married so we'd go out in Hollywood so I could hit on minor celebrities but all the good lookingness of them would maybe gimme a ugly complex. K scratch that plan. Instead we would go to the legion or something and she'd be like tee hee this is so awesome nobody reckognizes me here and then to celebrate our legion success we'd roll around in a limo trolling for some dude who would come with us cus she's famous and she'd be like whispering to him to pity fuck me and then he would.
true love.
p.s. I took those pictures when I was a teenager before I forgot I was a brilliant yet tortured artist and thought I was just a mixed up skanky drunk ho-bag. Oh my god! I just thought of something else brilliant from now on if I ever get totally plastered and tell off everyone in my path and puke up pizza in the bar bathroom and go home with a guy and take it up the ass I will call it PERFORMANCE ART. Maybe also I will start calling all the drinks I spill art, like sorry but your "carpet" is MYYYYYY canvas. |
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