The Lewd Angel

nonsense parade!

For those of you who don't really know me I sleep all screwed up hours. Lately I sleep from about 6am till 11:30 ish. This morning the doorbell rings at 9:30, not just once but over and over like theres a little kid at the door who still gets a big thrill outta pushing buttons. Anyway I wake up and go flying outta bed thinking maybe it's a guy here with my camera. Open the door and some guy hands me this peice of paper and just says "I'm from Weed Man this is a free estimate for lawn care" and then walks away, I am just standing there stunned, no sorry to wake you, nothing, just hands me the paper and walks away. You know asshole you coulda waited till I dunno SPRING but I would have been happy to settle with, say, NOON. You could have done something extremely brilliant and left it in the goddam mailbox where I actually gather papers at a time conveniant to me. Fuck I wish I knew where that guy lived, I'd like to show up at his house 3:30 in the morning and just start wailing on the doorbell like I'm about to murdered then when he answers the door I'd be like "Hi, this is just an estimate on what it would take for you to improve your business skills; lobotomies are pretty pricey but don't worry, this estimate? TOTALLY FREE!"



It extra annoyed me because I find paying people to dump a bunch of chemicals and shit all over your tiny city lawn to improve its appearance to be an ultra trivial waste of money, kinda like when people buy their dogs a bunch of clothes and bling. It's depressing that it happens when there are people starving to death. You are no longer wasting your money at that point, you are wasting the worlds money. If I was in charge of a charity I would be a total charity marketing genius because I would set up shop right next to the dog clothes store and hang this huge banner that said YO CHECK IT OUT and below it I would have two giant pictures and one would be some half dead african kid with a talk bubble that says "feed me" and one would be some fancy dog with a talk bubble that says "buy me a jewel encrusted dog collar". If that didn't make people feel guilty enough I would stand outside and heckle the dog store customers by saying stuff like "whoa! I can put my orphans in dog costumes if that would make you care about them enough to spare 40 bucks"



I had another brilliant idea this morning. I have been wanting to write a book or two and, okay well one I half ass know what it will be, and it will a short fiction where the main character is loosely based on me but first I am going to write a different book and it will be a little post secretish because it will just be a book where I tell you stories about all the bad things I have done and everything I feel guilty about that I am too cowardly and ashamed of to admit to on here or to others and I will give the money from sales to charity and it will be very cathartic. Would anyone buy it?

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Friday, February 03, 2006