the politics of shame
I am feeling really low today. I returned this book to my boss which I had taken out of other bosses car last night and he asked me why I had taken it and I just said "I don't know, I suck at drinking" and he said "yeah let's never do that again, we were worried about you". It got me really thinking about my drinking and it just made me depressed because I do have a problem. I am thinking about quitting more seriously than I ever have. The thing is, I don't know if I can do it. I don't know how to do it. I think if I really want to quit then I have to make a big show of it and tell everyone but then what happens if i change my mind? I will just make people angry.....and ugh I really like drinking and I really don't want to quit. Sometimes it is fine but then why do I drink so much that I black out and I fall asleep at Denny's and pee the bed. It's fucking sad. I also punched some guy in the neck last night and two minutes after I did it I was telling someone about it and they said why? and I couldn't remember. I am just really depressed about it all and I just don't know how to stop, I don't know how to change it.
Part of the reason I am borderline obsessed with homeless people is that I kind of identify with them. I can see myself as homeless. I drink like crazy and responsiblities and commitments are really hard for me. I often live out of a backpack. Marianne said to me before that I was like a backpacker but instead I just stayed in the same town. I lived out in the country as a teenager and I just would kinda get a drive in town when I could and I'd stay in town for days. I'd just find stuff to do, places to stay, whatever, once I got there. I knew so much about every place you could go to keep warm in Sum merside.
Once I was homeless for a few days, I was leaving my apartment and I had everything out of it already in storage and I just had a few things left like a old broom and a pillowcase and some clothes and junk and I just tied up all my crap in the pillowcase and tied it to the broom because I was like fuck it; If I'm gonna be homeless I'm gonna be EXTREME CARTOON FUNNY HOMELESS. One day I was walking around town with my trusty broom handle bag and I saw this guy who had stolen like 450 dollars from me because he gave me this sob story and asked me to cash this cheque for him which turned out to be a bad cheque and by the way I'm still pissed about that cus I had to pay the bank back the money and even tho he eventually got charged with fraud I never got any money back....where was I? oh yeah, I saw him and it was one of those things where you are like you should feel guilty fucker; you stole from me and now I am EXTREME CARTOON FUNNY HOMELESS.
Writing that story made me realize; you know what?
fuck all you people that are all "I hate drama"
It's a cowardly diss at drama queens and you know what? I AM A DRAMA QUEEN. As long as I'm not lying to CAUSE drama then who cares? I was born that way fuckers. Drama is getting a bad name from jerry springer-rap music-baby mama drama shit. I dunno, I think it is a trend for people to go around saying they are anti-drama, like it's the "in" thing or something, I really do. Have other people noticed this? Anyway whatever, you know what? I am pro-drama so you trendy anti-drama fucks can have ME as an opponent rather than the elusive meaning of "drama".
On the way home there was this guy on the bus who talked to me cus I wasn't paying attention and I kinda got up to see where we were and he told me and then I sat across from him and he goes "is that a camera in your pocket?" and I go "ya" and he goes "cool" and then I am kinda expecting he will go on about how he does photography or something but he shys away from saying anything more. Then we kinda sat in this awkward silence and I started to think how I should have said "No, I'm just happy to see you" even tho I hate that joke and I started to kinda chuckle to myself about it and then the guy kinda holds his hands in front of his crotch and is squirming around awkwardly in his seat and I started thinking WHOA maybe HE is happy to see me
I wish that using a period in writing cost money so I would have a good exuse for my run on sentances. |
14 comment(s):
Ya know that reminds me I had a dream the other day which is really weird cuz I never dream or if I do I dont remember them, but this one I did and you were in it and thats weird too because I dont really even know you, and I wasnt going to mention it, because you'd think I was weird old pervy guy which i am, but im not.
So at any rate in this dream I was at the airport and I found a camera, but it was broken and it only took blurry pictures and thats how I knew it was yours because all the blurry parts were in the same place as the blurry parts in your pictures. (in the case of this dream anyhow).
Turns out the lens had a filter on it made from two empty jars of baby food glued bottom to bottom, and it was the glue that was causing the blurry spot on the pictures.
Next thing I know, I'm in a bar and there were naked women dancing on poles and you were there tending bar. I returned your camera and explained the part about the baby food jars causing the problems.
I woke up in a dry bed after that.
(sorry)
The only reason I'm telling you is I thought it was funny, and it seems like you could use a laugh.
Btw, your glasses are cool, you should wear them more often, and it's "one day at a time" not forever.
oh yeah, I beat you for run ons.
By
Anonymous, at
11:26 p.m.
i dont find it creepy because i had dreams with bloggers in them and i am not creepazoid style obsessed with them or anything, but yeha i felt creepy admitting it oon my blog
By
Melissa, at
11:32 p.m.
smoke pot
By
NYC TAXI SHOTS, at
5:38 a.m.
does the sentence " one is too many and a thousand isnt enough" mean anything to you? The point is that you cant have just "one" drink.No alcoholic can, period.As nyd said youve got to take it one day at a time.Thinking of "forever" is just too overwhelming.But,alas youve got to want to quit and you dont.You just dont want to feel shitty and pay the consequences(blackouts,depression,no motivation,low self-esteem,embarrasing & harmful situations,etc.,etc.)As far as smoking pot,well sure,probably the less of too evils but that certainly wont fulfill your drama queen needs with all your bar antics.Plus....." when we substitute one drug for another we release our addiction all over again".
As far as where to start...well thats obvious,AA.Just go to listen if you want,you might be surprised at what you can learn about the disease by just listening.
As Ive told you before,your meds & alcohol are a very very bad combination.You are increasing the level of your depression by mixing them.
Before anybody blasts me for preaching or being too straight or whatever...SHE ASKED!
Melissa..Ill be glad to answetr any questions or address any comments you have if you like.Im an addict through & through.Everything ive ever gotten into,Ive done to excess.
As far as telling anybody if you do decide to cut back or quit...DONT! It puts alot of pressure on you...It sets you up for guilt if you arent able to...Most fellow alcoholics/users dont want to see someone succeed in sobriety( misery loves company)...It takes alot of people a number of times through sobriety & relapse to stay clean....Just keep it to yourself and remember that "we didnt become addicted in one day so remember...EASY DOES IT"
As a memeber of NA one of the principles I follow is to " carry the message to the addict who still suffers".
By the way there are AA & NA chat rooms all over the web.Drop in and just "listen".
Here if you need me
By
Anonymous, at
6:18 a.m.
I used to say I was anti-drama cause the drama in my circle of friends was always something EXTREMELY not important like some guy who likes one girl but another girl likes him so it's a BIG FREAKIN DEAL AND NOW EVERYONE HATES EACH OTHER,fdhjfdjfd.
Your homeless stories intruiged me. I don't think I'd make it on the streets...
You have some dedicated blogger fans here ready to help and give adivce. My advice is to try really hard to quit if you know it will do you good, cause what you want and what you need can't always be the same thing.
By
Krista, at
7:33 a.m.
yo silvercharm i disagree go do your homework on hemp a natural plant before you call it a evil i have seen the distruction of abusing alcohol day in and day out
By
NYC TAXI SHOTS, at
8:09 a.m.
didnt call it evil nyc-just called it a drug which it is.Smoked lots& lots of weed and it is addicting just like any other drug.Smokin weed instead of drinking is just substituting one drug for another.I agree that alcohol is much more harmful in so many ways.The one thing weed does do so much more cunning than alcohol is rob us of motivation to do damn near anything meaningful.
By
Anonymous, at
8:20 a.m.
" the less of two evils" is a saying.Ill just call pot" the less destructive of two drugs" ....ok nyc?
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Anonymous, at
8:44 a.m.
me an pot dont do well together, I am very true to my vice.
By
Melissa, at
9:04 a.m.
yes krista there is a lot of dumb drama in a lot of stuff i agree. I am just takinga stancxe that it is okay that i am a dramam queen.
silvercharm i amd not really into the aa thing because i am not religious.
By
Melissa, at
9:16 a.m.
nor am I religious melissa.The programs are "spirtual not religious".Do you believe in a higher power? There is such a world of difference between abstinence and recovery.Sharing and listening to people who have common life experiences is the key."The therapeutic value of one alcoholic or addict helping another is without parralel".
By
Anonymous, at
9:59 a.m.
I am far from religious, these have worked for me...
Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there.
Coincidences, are god's way of staying anonymous.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
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Anonymous, at
10:35 a.m.
some of the most brightest people to ever live smoked pot plus i don t really consider it a drug cocaine heroin crack thats a drug something made in the lab and of course anything you do to much of is no good for you and if your into the environment hemp sure would save alot of trees among other things but we can agree to disagree peace sorry m
By
NYC TAXI SHOTS, at
12:06 p.m.
pot is a drug just the same as alcohol is. its affects different people different ways, i am just saying that for me it is not a good thing, just makes me paranoid whatever
By
Melissa, at
12:31 p.m.
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