The Lewd Angel

My snake garden.

I decided that I didn't want to take a cab home after work cus I waste all my money so I was trying to find an alternate bus route that was still running and this bus drove by and I got on it to ask where it went but the driver just started driving away anyway even tho he didn't really go near my house at all and he was like I will drop you off on this bad neighbourhood and guys will think you are a prostitute and you will be terrified while you wait there and I was like umm I don't want to go there so then he takes me to this huge road where nothing is open and tells me to take so and so bus to so and so spot and then get a bus from THERE home. Okay well that's annoying but whatever. Then I get off and I am reading on the pole thing that the bus is not running anymore, so I am starting to panic and kind of run around different streets half way to look for a bus or a cab or a phone or something. I hate being alone at night because I have this major paranoia of being murdered. I think about being murdered everyday and I have been that way forever. Anyway so I was kind of starting to have a panic attack something or other and this couple drove up and were at a red light and I figured since they are a couple it it okay to try and get help from them and I am making the universal gesture for DO YOU HAVE A PHONE? and the man just ignored me and the woman was laughing at me. Fuck you bitch. Then I added saying "I need help" to the fake phone routine and they just drive away. God whatever because what the fuck am I going to do to you if you roll down your window? Are you guys fucking retarded? obviously I am not a hooker that is just trying to hit on a couple in a non hooking zone or a super clean post midnight squeegee kid with no squeegee. Then I was like yup if I get murdered it your fault you stupid bitch but I was moreso kind of just panicking and picturing that incident happening with every car until I got kidnapped. Anyway that didn't happen. A cab drove by and I hailed it. WoooOOOOoooo

Great story eh?

I didn't drink at all today because I am fighting against the utter retardness of last night.



Oh yeah part of the reason that I was extra paranoid about being killed tonight is that when I was first starting to go really crazy I was obsessed with thinking that I had no future beyond January for some reason and so I kept thinking that I was meant to die and I was gonna get run over or get murdered or something before then. So now I am superstitious paranoid that I am in my last days. A good thing about the superstiousness tho is that I am like okay if I DON'T die by the end of the month that means I have to extra try and be happy and realize that I should be alive and I do have a point, I just have to find it.



What else? oh yeah I wanted to mention this. I know that people read something fucked that I've written and think Oh she is just doing that to beg for attention and I just wanted to say whatever because I write what I do, I don't do it to write it. I write it because I need to get my crazies out. I need someone out there to tell me that they still accept me even tho I'm kinda slutty and stupid and crazy. I can't live a life filled with a million dirty secrets that eat away inside of me.

p.s. OH MY GOD SOMEBODY BOUGHT A SHIRT! EVERYBODY ELSE WHO READS THIS SHOULD BE EQUALLY AWESOME AND BUY SOMETHING.

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Friday, January 27, 2006