HOW TO WRITE AN AMAZING BLOG AND TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE.
Are you a journalist? no? but do you atleast read the news tho? Yes?
Okay, well then what you should do is write about your opinions on politics. Okay, you might not have any special qualifications or inside sources of information but you have an opinion about it right? Yeah, I know that there is already millions of blogs out there about politics and that that alone is a lot of comepetition for readers, not to mention competition from, you know, actual newspapers. Listen you can call me crazy if you want, but I've got a hunch that the world is interested in YOUR opinion.
Choose a very small font. Maybe make your background black and your font a dark purple. When people get something for free they presume that it won't be very good, since you can't charge anyone to read your blog, it is good to make your blog very hard to read; that way people still have to WORK to read your blog. When I see long paragraphs made up of illegible letters I know that it must some quality writing. Why else would I have to work so hard to read it?
Update your blog no more than maybe once every month or two. Duh, it's called building suspense. You learnt about it in highschool retards.
After waiting the requisite 30+ days to update, start your next entry by saying it's been sooo long since I updated. Your readers are ungrateful idiots. On one hand you are obviously doing them a favour by letting the suspense build but on the other hand some of them might still get up in arms if you don't atleast ACKNOWLEDGE the fact that you have left them waiting for an update forever. TRUE STORY: One time I was waiting for someone to update their blog and I just sat there refreshing my browser over and over again, I was so caught up in the suspense that I couldn't even bring myself to get up to go to the bathroom and I totally ended up crapping my pants. See I was mad at the author, but once they atleast ACKNOWLEDGED that they had made me crap myself all my hostile feelings melted away.
Spend inordinate amounts of time filling out those blogger quizzes and posting them on your blog. People need to be able relate to the real you. How am I supposed to know anything about you when I don't even know what percentage you are like Miranda from Sex and the City?
STOP! Before you write ANYTHING ELSE tell me...what are you listening to? This is kinda like that quiz thing only instead of needing to know what percent like Miranda you are, I am looking to find out what percent indie cool you are.
While we are on the subject of music, here's a tip for when you get a case of writers block. POST THE LYRICS TO A SONG YOU LIKE. It's fucking brilliant because you dont have to write anything and it still pleases readers, cus let's face it; who isn't interested in reading the lyrics to a random song that some uninspired stranger likes.
If something interesting happened to you last night just say well I won't go into details but last night was very interesting to say the least. Keep em' guessing. Make sure tho that you fill people in on all mundane details of your life. Did you do some homework? Well good for you. Tell the world!
Anything big in the news today? Scroll thru other people's blogs.... What's the hot topic? If everyone is talking about, I dunno, a post soccer game riot that happened yesterday you should talk about it too. It's very important to fit in. Make a profound statement about the world in relation to the hot topic, but don't make it too profound. Make it sorta like profound small talk. Something like Boy, what a crazy world we live in!
Give your a blog a real snappy name like "Livin' la Vida Loca". See, that conjures up images of Ricky Martin, and if I know one thing it's that conjuring up images of Ricky Martin will improve the success of ANY venture.
Maybe you would prefer a more personal name for your blog, this can work too just call it "insert your name here
Rambling isn't everyones thing but that's okay. You can still make it big if you like to MUSE. Sometimes when I have had a really hard day I like to read blogs called things like "Heather's musings about life". I imagine myself in a peaceful field of wheat, wind gently caressing face, and in my minds eye I can see Heather there. I can hear her reading the words as tho it's the poetry inside of a real sentimental card and after every musing she goes *sigh* or hmmm. It is more relaxing than listening to whale songs I swear.
Organize your blog posts into a series of obscurely named sections.
Some good examples of possible section names might be:
meanderings
fact vs fiction
silly stuff!
heart matters
movies reviews
my ever changing worldview
Lastly remember that most blog readers are also blog writers. Show them you are WAY cooler than them by writing overly long sarcastic articles shit-talking 90 percent of the blogs out there. Back up your cool factor by posting the most retarded series of pictures ever taken and precede the article with two posts about how awesome the movie Freaky Friday is .
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