I can beat you at anything especially math
The other day at a comedy show a woman was asking who here has been strip searched and I was the one awkward person yelling WOOO like go strip searching. Anyway, here is a story about me going to juvie and getting strip searched. Actually it's all pretty boring I got arrested cus I was at this party but I actually wasnt really drinking that night; weirdly. Anyway, I had to go to juvie for the night cus I threw a fit at the police station and at the juvie they strip searched me and were obsessed with making me spread my labia to make sure I wasn't packing drugs or guns whatever exuse even tho its some kind of sicko thing that they just do to degrade you cus why the hell would a teenage girl have weapons in her labias. Ughgh. Anyway, it was pretty aweful but I was pretty funny because I was like NO WAY! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR CRABS?!?!?!?! and I wouldn't do it for three hours and I was on my period and I bled all over the floor like that was my special gift to them for being cuntwads.
Ummm I could tell you more of that story but it's boring to me right now.
The four year old condom story is also boring too maybe kinda; it's just one time Jill and I got this insane wave of horney for a whole week I dunno what the hell came over us. We were at the bar one night and I was all insane horney after at the pizza store and I bought like 6 condoms in the bathroom there for some reason even tho I had no partner I was just dealing with being over sexually stimulated by buying condoms, I dunno. The next day I kept finding condoms everywhere like, I hid them in all different parts of my jacket and purse like I was gonna be ready to have sex wheather my left pocket was with me or not goddam it because my right pocket and my wallet were stashed up too. I dunno, it made me laugh. I had one for four years I think and I feel weirdly sad that I don't have it anymore. Maybe I am like one of those half crazy kids who collects strings and buttons and hides them in their desk because nobody loves them or something and I am like sad because I feel greater attachement to the condom than I would to any man I could possibly use it with. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, that's fucking gold, I don't care what anyone says.
Oh yeah, we went to the pond and we saw a bunch of baby ducks and I think I am in love or maybe going to explode with cute attack if I keep thinking about it. One mom had 8 little ducklings and they all stay really close to her and she goes quack kinda and they get closer. Also the Amanda and Melissa ducks have two baby ducklings and I didn't leave her because I am a good dad.
My new phase is unicorns. I keep thinking of funny things with unicorns in it, my book has a part with a unicorn in it where a unicorn rips thru time and rescues me except I'm maybe named Julie in the book cus it's only half ass me...uhh yeah...where a unicorn rips thru time and space and rescues me from working at a call centre and I tear off all my clothes and ride the unicorn outta there and I'm all SEE YA LATER SUCKAS and also I yell I AM GOING TO RIDE MY UNICORN AND EAT STUFF STRAIGHT OUTTA THE GROUND and everyone at the call centre will be all what the fuck? and they will be like Oh god I always knew she was weird and some of the girls will be all whisper whisper what a slut taking off her clothes like that but then later on, one of those girls will be eating this gross sandwich that she got from a vending machine on her lunch break and she will thinking about me eating a fresh carrot with my unicorn by my side and she will suddenly feel really sad about her life and that bite of sandwich that she is about to swallow will suddenly feel like her pride and she will have this major life changing moment and she will spit out the bite and throw the rest of the sandwich on the ground like total freak out style and she will run out of there like she is running for her life because she is running for her life metaphorically. Pretty funny hunh?
whoa weird coincidence, ummm my book will be way better and the cover will not be so cheap. What the fuck Cynthia? you couldn't get Julie a REAL unicorn for the cover....pffftt |
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