rectal rocket fuel
I just got back from downtown because I thought I had a doctor's appointment but SURPRISE! I am still an idiot who for some reason can't fucking get it straight when my appointments are so, actually it was supposed to be yesterday but they saw me today anyway. I was telling my doctor that I am pretty sure that there is something more wrong with me than just depression and he gave me a little bit of a quiz for if you are bipolar but it was a stupid quiz because it was like sometimes are you not yourself and you are really hyper? but it is like no sometimes I AM myself and I am really hyper. Also whatever because I am not one way or the other for days at a time, more like hours. From nosing around the internet I think now that maybe I have Borderline Personality Disorder but it is kind of one of those things where doctors are like are you sure you have borderline personality disorder? are you sure you don't just have a case of crazy bitch?
Anyway it says about it, that if you have it, you can't control your emotions and you are moody as shit, and you think a lot about people being good or evil and you sometimes think you are the awesomest person ever but then you are like no I am the worst person ever! and you probably want to kill yourself but you feel too guilty to do that but also you are like fuck you for being evil and not caring about me and you act like a crazy bitch cus you have a bad temper and you tell everyone off especially if they are not physically there with you because you are like brain damaged and you think that if you can't see someone that they hate you and they are abandoning you and you go extra crazy when you are alone and you are obsessed with sex and lies and truths in weird ways. It's pretty me-ish but whatever because I doubt anyone even bothered to read all that.
My doctor made me buy one of those pill cases with all the days of the week on it so I will remember to take my pill, my iron and my omega oil every day so I feel like I am 70 years old now and I will probably start ordering carrots in restaurants and complaining to the waitress that they are barely cooked and how do they expect anyone to be able to eat them if it requires doing something as strenuous as chewing.
On the way back from the doctors office I stopped at a grocery store to buy myself some buns and an apple, as well as some for this homeless lady I saw earlier and I even bought her a milk and some cheesecake but on my way to go see the lady I ended up giving away my apple and my bun because there were some homeless guys on the way so I was like oh well do you want an apple? and do you want a bun? to the next guy, because I was feeling guilty. Anyway the lady had taken off once I got to where she had been so I was walking around looking for someone homeless to give the meal to but I only found two more guys and they didn't want my food cus one said he wasn't hungry and one said he couldn't eat that stuff. Then I kind of started to feel like a moron especially because I had a bag of beer and maybe they would want THAT but I was like no, I am too greedy. I considered going back to give the first two bums the rest of the food but I felt dumb going back and being all like "oh I was holding out on you before but you can have this cheesecake since my favourite bum isn't around anyway".
One thing I can't stand is when people are all like "oh well I won't give bums any change cus they will probably just go buy booze". Who gives a shit if they buy booze? If I was homeless I would be trying to stay drunk all the time cus my life would be shit and it is friggin cold outside. Also I think it is an exuse for people to feel better about the fact that they don't want to give the bums money. I am not saying you have to give them money, I am hardly this big saviour to the bums or anything, just be honest about it. I usually don't give them money because I am greedy or maybe I think it is too cold to stand there and root around in my purse or maybe I don't want to root around in my purse because they kinda freak me out. Sometimes I don't want to root around in my purse because I only want to give them a quarter or something but if I stand there they will see that I have a few toonies and it will make me feel guilty so, I just give them nothing. Atleast I don't act all like really I am a good person and I am helping you out by not giving you a dollar because you will spend it on booze.
I forgot to bring my camera out with me today and I am a big loser because the fact that I didn't have it was vaguely panic inducing. Especially because I went to the hot sauce store because I am in love with hot sauce labels cus I like how they advertise that their product will give you diarrhea.
At the beginning of the month there is always about a hundred people lined up in the mall waiting to buy their bus passes. Whenever I walk by them they all look cranky as fuck but I have no pity for them because I am like you guys are a bunch of chumps and seriously you should just pay the three dollars and take the bus somewhere else to buy a bus pass because even if you work for some underground-illegal immigrant-child labour company that pays less than minimum wage you could still earn atleast three dollars in the time that you will spend waiting in this line.
A couple of people emailed me about hanging out in Toronto so I decided to copycat Raymi and have my own stupider gayer blogger party sometime when I am there. Barely anyone will probably go because instead of having like thousands of regular readers a day I have like, maybe 50 BUT I have this PFFFFFFFFFT attitude of fake it till you make it so I will just pretend like more than two people will want to go out somewhere just because I am there. If you do want to come, there will be safety in numbers and you can email me at thelewdangel@gmail.com.
13 comment(s):
A Lewd Angel blogger party is a great idea!
I'll go. Unless I have a conflict. Yeah, it's tough to maximize synergies across multiple touchpoints. Or something.
By
Anonymous, at
5:50 p.m.
Listen when I say "maximise synergies" you better fucking maximise them!
You can invite people who don't know or care about me.
Also I just went in comments to tell people that they should not be all like whoa nice fatto beer belly slut because I know and I dont need to hear it from you thanks.
By
Melissa, at
5:54 p.m.
MMM, three things.
First off, I always read your whole blogs carefully. I do this due to your hilarous habit of sentences made up of 100 words or more. (For example, the one where you describe your symptoms). So, be warned, some of us are paying attention.
Second, I agree with you about the homeless thing. In Calgary, they had this campaign trying to convince people not to give money to panhandlers who would just waste it on booze. They suggested instead that we give that change to charities that help homeless people. All I want to say about that is I've never seen a chairity give these people what the really need, which is a pint of whisky and some time alone. In fact, there was actually a great showdown in Calgary about the campaign, where people came out with signs that said stuff like "Spare change for mercy" and "Spare change for decency" in opposition for the "spare change for booze" ads the government was running.
3rd, anyone who posts comments like "nice fatto beer belly" should go fuck themselves in the ass with a chainsaw. Sure your not perfect, but you are still an amazingly attractive girl who doesn't deserve the rundowns. Show me a picture of a perfect girl, and I'll show you an air-brushed and photo-shopped picture.
Geeky joke for everyone.
How many communists does it take to change a light bulb?
you can't CHANGE a light bulb, comrades, you must smash it!
By
Anonymous, at
9:05 a.m.
yes i have no punctuation skills. In writing punctuation is the bane of my existance. Teachers always really liked me writing but were like ummm half your paragraphs are one sentance melissa.
By
Melissa, at
11:34 a.m.
"Free booze makes Canada's homeless healthier"
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/03012006/80/free-booze-makes-canada-s-homeless-healthier-study.html
Happier too.
By
Anonymous, at
11:40 a.m.
i think you migh be almost certain whit that of "BPD".. but "desorder" means something wrong, it's not a disorder, it's something usual, lots of humans have it, just that someones amplifie it by diving inside that and geting more and more confused evry time.. if you think you can't control some emotions and that you need fucking pills to do it you are not totally certain, i think (of course, i might be wrong) you'r in constan conflict with your emotions cause they are so messy when you try to understand them... emotions are emotions, you can try to know WHY are you feeling something, but not brain-drying you while doing that.. THAT's insane, killing yourself by living in your head and thinking you have a disease..beeing human is not a disease, beeing human is the biggest art and the most difficult one. I've been depressive and that shit, you just have to learn to control bad moments, everybody has upside-downs, that's a constant in life, we have to learn to live whit that and making it easier.. believe me, when a shity moment comes you always have a "conscient-second" when you know that shit is coming, in that second you have to prepare yourself to be disposed to get thru that as quickly an lightly as you can,,, accepting that makes you feel a little better and knowing that it will be over as soon as you make it be over by finding the sides you can modify makes it easier every time, and every time you will have the "second" sooner so you can be better for resolving troubles after each crisis.. it's not fucking easy, it's not supossed to be easy... BUT IT'S FUCKING POSSIBLE. then you know that you will be ok if something comes out wrong cause you believe in yourself (it's not help line bulshit) and you trust yourself by that excersise of improving you solution skills. nothing, nothing is absolute, just you capacity of beeing great in the art of living one more day... that "adventure" you mentioned, the adventure of beeing yourself. do i bore you?. nk.
By
Anonymous, at
1:35 p.m.
(i'm not a psicoanalysis son, i've never went to a doctor, so i'm not a stupid repiting things i've heard, everything i say are things i think i've learned by beeing in this fuking world, if it's good for something i let it be). nk again and again.
By
Anonymous, at
1:40 p.m.
I didn't know Tom Cruise couldn't spell.
By
Anonymous, at
2:10 p.m.
On the homeless front, there's a homeless shelter in Ottawa running "The Managed Alcohol Project." They give a drink to homeless alcoholics every hour, and I guess these people end up drinking less than if they were on the streets and have less health and crime problems than the average alchy vagabond. Wanna dress down and take a trip there this weekend?
By
Anonymous, at
2:18 p.m.
do I ever.....
glad you are back Amanda.
By
Melissa, at
2:36 p.m.
Hi, Melissa
A very honest post. Yes, some of us are reading.
People are all crazy in their own ways. If they were not, then we would not have had great inventions, books, movies and songs.
Loneliness plays strange tricks on everyone. I have found one way to work around it, and that is by talking to it face-face. I have dedicated one entry to loneliness in my blog, where I talk to it. It may not be the only solution, and it may not work equally for everyone, but it's worth a try.
P.S.:
I like your expressiveness and creativity.
By
Pradeep Puranik, at
9:27 p.m.
God you're famous =)
I didn't know you had admirers..
I would have put a more ...decent commentary about you being the cutest g33k..
sorry for that..
I'm afraid I won't be able to come and hang around in Toronto...
't'would cost me some 2000$ so next time maybe =)
cya
By
Anonymous, at
4:37 a.m.
I make up my admirers.
By
Melissa, at
5:24 a.m.
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