Modern Women
I saw Feist. She reminded me of Kate Bush onstage. If I were not severely depressed I would be really happy. I think she is the best woman musician to come around in the last 20 years or so.....
I feel like I lost my normal self. Self that does stuff like laugh and has friends. I feel like I can't keep it up. I am against suicide. My dad read/reads my blog. I don't want him to. My ex boyfriends new girlfriend added me on msn and was trying to kind of say I dont know something, not anything mean but it made me feel miserable for some reason.
I cried on the bus and in the mall and at the concert. I forced myself to go even tho I didn't want to. It was worth it to see her but it is not worth hanging around all the time if I am constantly so sad. I just want to sleep or get better. I think other people forget that I used to be different, I think they look back and think I was always this way. I like homeless people because sometimes I really want to get terrificly drunk and sleep in a snow bank. I think I am a horrible writer now. It's dissapointing. I feel disconnected from the world. I feel like I am at party and I am alone and I don't know anyone, like the best thing I can do is get drunk and talk to strangers cus I'll never see them again.
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7 comment(s):
You are not alone!
We are here, reading your posts and trying to "cheer you" up!!!
"Life is what you make it" (remembering Talk Talk). Fight for her!
Kisses.
Ricardo Almeida
By
Ricardo Almeida, at
12:39 a.m.
Ok girl.Since you wont listen to anybody (most acoholics dont until they are ready).I guess Ill just get a little more forthright.I understand depression very well.ive had it for a number of years.i understand alcohol very well,Im an alcoholic O fucking kay????? I know of what I speak!!!! Last week I wrote about not taking anti-depressants and alcohol together.You responded that your ghetto doc said that the alcohol would just not let the antis work as well.BULLFUCKINGSHIT!! hES WRONG,JUST WRONG!!!!! It really fucks up the neurotranmitters in your brain!!!! If you are going to drink,dont take the meds!!!! Check out wedmd! SERIOUSLY.YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT BUT IM TELLING YOU THAT YOU JUST CANT DO IT AND NOT BE SEVERLY DEPRESSED.
As most acoholics do,u wanna wallow in self-pity for awhile even while everybody tells you how great you are.Its our self-destructive nature and low self-esteem.
You will not feel better until you stop mixing them!!!!
Look in the mirror and ask yourself what is it you want.Not some vague ass thing but how do you really want to feel.Get some help girl.
We're her 4 u but,just as your friends dont remember who you used to be,people get tired & frustrated trying to help someone who wont help themself.
By
Anonymous, at
6:12 a.m.
Hey there, you don't know me but i had an ex g/f who talked and acted like you, crying and stuff. It took her a couple years and a few different doctors, trying different types of meds and doses. Don't give up, if the doc isn't helping go to another, keep trying different things, don't give up, please.
By
Anonymous, at
6:15 a.m.
wow you saw kate bush i heard she doesn t fly so you would have had to go to london to see her or wait till she takes the boat over here i love that blurred photo excellant shot hang in there m
By
NYC TAXI SHOTS, at
7:06 a.m.
CRAP! you need a hug!
By
Kathryn, at
8:02 a.m.
Hi, I stumbled across your blog and it really touched me because I totally feel your pain. I was depressed for, like, three years, with the worst bit lasting about 6 months. During those last 6 months, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't smile. I never wanted to get up out of bed. When I think back to those 6 months, I could swear there wasn't a sunny day the whole time. Anyways, I snapped out of it after I got counselling. No drugs, just talking to someone who didn't know me and could give me perspective and make me feel better. And who took me seriously; because the worst part about depression is that, when you're all soggy and sad and lethargic, everyone keeps telling you to "cheer up" or "snap out of it" which isn't much help because if it were that simple, you would have done that! (Although I had a few friends who'd say to me, "you're just enjoying wallowing in self-pity." That was nice.) Anyways, I hope you get through this and start feeling better.
By
Anonymous, at
11:27 a.m.
everything silvercharm said plus this:
Alcohol is a depressant.
If you're depressed and you drink, you become drunk and depressed.
I dont know if you're an alcoholic or chemically dependant.
Frankly I dont care. I don't have a horse in this race.
You do, and that's a distinction for you to make someday.
I dont know you, I will most likely never meet you beyond your blog. I dont harbor any secret desires for you. I dont expect you to be so moved by my wisdom that you fall in love with me and become my fantasy internet girlfriend. (Actually I expect it'll piss you off more than anything, and that's fine too)
But, I will say this.
If you want to beat this depression, for now, you need to stop drinking.
Not forever, but just for now.
You drink when you're depressed and you wind up with more problems.
You drink because you're depressed, and while under the influence you say and do things you regret, and then get depressed about the things you did when you were drunk and depressed, then you get drunk because you're depressed.
You need to stop that vicious cycle.
Without drinking, things will seem dull, because they will be.
You wont be fighting the fires you started while drinking.
When you're not creating new distractions, you can start dealing with the reasons for your depression in the first place.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
By
Anonymous, at
8:33 p.m.
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