prison souvenirs
So in case you didn't get the memo when I am drunk I am always right. The police didnt agree with me tho last night that I was right that I should get to stand on the steps of Zaphod's after they asked me to leave so I ended up in jail for the night. woooo.
If you have never stayed in the ottawa drunk tank here is what it's like,
You are in a cell in a long row of individual cells. The cells have each have a metal "bed" and stainless steel toilet inside them. They don't let you call anyone or really let you know what the hell is going on. I didn't get any charges or anything like that explained to me till morning. Whatever, I have no criminal record I just have to pay a fine and spend a night in that hell hole. I couldn't see anyone in the cells because it concrete between them all but holy shit you can hear everyone. The girl right next to me spent the first two hours screaming at the top of her lungs that she was not stupid and I dunno pissing and dumping water all over the floor. awesome. Also, farther down the hall they keep the men and I think she was kinda yelling that way, wanting to know if her boyfriend was was there. She also ripped off all her clothes and threw them in the hall. Another girl, down a few cells I guess could tell from my voice that I was white and kept yelling at me how I was a white trash bitch and she kept kinda chanting CAUCASIAN WOMAN at me and angrily flushing her toilet at me. Also, in case you didn't know native people apparently do these weird indian chants when they are locked up in jail. That part I sorta liked, it reminded of slaves singing on the fields or something. Not being free is a TERRIBLE feeling and I appreciated how much that sorta thing could help get you through it. Also they didn't have contact solution or anything I had to put my contacts in a stupid dunce hat shaped paper cup that I held up in the little toilet sink drain. I ended up losing one of them getting out of the cab on the way home anyway, oh and the cops broke my purse when they were tearing thru it looking for drugs or whatever. I didn't sleep. The whole thing was terrible but there is one lovely silver lining. I got to keep my prison outfit. Seriously. When they let me go, they just handed me my clothes and sent me outdoors in the giant blue dustsuit. I went around the station and in a another door to change out before I got a cab home. It was bad enough showing up at my apartment building at 8 in the morning with my shitty paper cup and the damn thing under my arm, I didn't want to show up dressed in my prison garb. The other girls in this building are all pretty much responsible grad students and already I think my living here is some kind of scandal because I come in late and listen to music.
The jumpsuit is awesome. I find dancing in dustsuits to be highly entertaining and I was already making good use of it this afternoon doing funny prison suit dances in the mirror. I will be making a prison jumpsuit dance video for you all to enjoy shortly, I just need to clean up all the clothes off my floor first.
Anyway, here comes the portion of my post where I explain to you how my life if like a fairy tale. Two days ago the egyptian was here to see my place and fool around. He was teasing me about how tiny my place is; saying it was like a cell and saying how he felt like he was having a conjugal visit. If you havn't connected the dots yourself, basically it is like I have a fairy godmother who recognized how awesome that was and did her magic to send me a proper prison jumpsuit. As if that is not miracle enough, there is, for some reason; a giant hole in the crotch of the jumpsuit that would be perfect for prison jumpsuit sex. The only crappy thing is that if he ever actually does me in the jumpsuit I will probably end up falling madly in love with him because my heart will just explode with awesome.
p.s. that grapefruit was a present. I didn't eat it. I set it on top of a candle holder and eventually its juices kind of started exploding out of the skin; there was juice explosions all over the wall and a puddle of brown juice all in the candle. |
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