handsome and gretel
Me, Camille and Al Lubel went to the CN Tower today. It was pretty funny. Al Lubel is pretty funny because he just somehow fails to retain a lot of basic information in life so he will always ask you about every day things like what is a monster truck? or lip balm? We all jumped a little bit on the glass floor and it was fun. Al laughed like a little girl.
Last night I went out to a dance club. Oh my God. I always feel like some sort biased and unethical cultural anthropologist when I am out in the world but last night was that feeling times ten. First of all if you go to a nightclub in Toronto, did you know that they search you for weapons? I suppose it makes sense but I am such a small town grandma that I was like whoa... this is intense. Anyway, none of the girls wear any pants or skirts or even high slutty winter boots. They just wear pumps and long shirts and sometimes wacky fleur de lis tights. Also if you are not a native to the scene and you feel a little drunk before you walk in you will feel instantly sober when you walk in, nightclubs are cold showers for your mind or something. Everybody walks around super trashed and I dunno they just reminded me of meat zombies. They had these funny platforms with stripper poles in the center of them but the poles don't go all the way up to the top. Plus there are no real strippers just a bunch of drunk girls whose shirt dresses keep riding up their ass that are desperate to get a chance to dance with the pole so there is usually eight of them circling the thing; grinding their way around it so that it looks kind of like a stripper pole and maypole had a baby.
Anyways, obviously I have to deal with situations like this by turning into the most obnoxious person in the world. I think that is some sort of sanity protective measure of mine like the crazier my environment is, the crazier I present myself to the environment, so atleast it is not just me sitting there feeling that they are crazy but more of a mutual relationship. At any rate I somehow managed to get the pole platform to myself and I just did these weird violent jumping jacks and bunny hops around it for five minutes after which point in time I was too tired to fight off the crowds of eager pole dancers. It was fun while it lasted. Too bad my friends were in the bathroom and missed out on my hilarity. Also, I attracted one fan, or well one guy that probably wanted to sleep with me or whatever. I just enjoy the fact that he is last chancing it on getting with the fucking nutto dance floor solo jumping jacker. I didn't talk to him obviously. All of the guys there wear button up shirts in case you are wondering which is pretty funny because who wants to sleep with a guy in a button up shirt? Ugh, if you sleep with a guy in a button up shirt there is a pretty good chance that he will sleep in his shirt unbuttoned and in the morning you will just see this dude with his corney shirt all unbuttoned laying next to you in bed and then you will want to kill yourself. I know how things work people.
There was this guy and girl who were dancing together and he was fingering her while they were dancing, like he was in behind her with his hand wrapped around her front up her shirt-dress fingering her. I walked right in front of them to confirm that it was real fingering , took a good look down and then looked the guy in the eye and gave him a thumbs up. He made a face that is probably the best face I will ever see in my life- it was this kind of angry indignation face, it's really hard to describe- I mean it was the face of a guy who is sour that some girl is giving him a thumbs up when he is trying to finger a girl in a public place. If aliens ever came to me and asked me to show them a face that describes the state of humanity I would probably have to show them that face.
Another thing I wanted to tell you guys about my adventures in the nightclub is that I found out there is a song that is called cock champagne. I love the way that it just really makes no sense, that they just picked a sex word and a cheesy faux wealth assosiation word and stuck them together because that is what appeals to goons. Also I spent a lot of time thinking about the words cock champagne, I guess maybe you are supposed to think of umm delicious valuable bubbly cum exploding out of a cock like champagne out of bottle? At any rate if you spend long enough perusing the rolodex of possible mental imagery that those two words create, eventually you will come across a vision of a tray full of champagne flutes; each one of them filled with a severed softie whose little deflated cyclops heads just kind of stare up at you forlornly.
Also for some reason inside a night club it is every girls birthday. The dj was announcing 2 or 3 happy birthdays between every song.
G'night! |
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