The Lewd Angel

old things and golden strings

2009-08-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

I guess I decided that I am going to make a new blog because I am bored of this one. I dunno too many people could read it or something and plus it is just so long and old...I feel like it is just an endless word pile. Also I don't like my font and I cant seem to change it. Ugh, I guess it is sort of like how sometimes you have to move because your current abode is too full of old memories and old things. Anyway, thanks for reading people. I guess you can email me if you want to know the new address but I will probably just give it to people that are real life people I know because it's nice to keep in touch. It is a wild party over on the new blog. I used quotations even.

Anyway, bye fuckers.

get your motor running out into the ocean

2009-07-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Did you guys know that a new trend for moms to do is to cook a bunch of pasta and put their baby in it and take pictures. True story. My sister showed me two different girls on facebook that did that. I will try to get my hands on some proof for you guys in case you don't believe me. Sleep tight.

old feelings

2009-07-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

I was just on facebook and this guy I know just invited me to join his group for him dressing up like batman and asking people to tip him to get their picture taken with him. Anyway, umm this guy just likes dressing up like batman and robin both. I have known him for probably three or four years like it is not a phase and it is not usually his get rich quick thing he just likes to do it for some reason. Also I think you guys should know that this guy takes himself very seriously and is a dick. Also he is a decently good looking guy so he seems to get a lot of hot dates but they are always first dates because he has a pretty bad personality. I guess he has never really been uhhh mean to me except that he fucking snuck into the comedy condo that I had to clean and made a mess and annoyed the othe people staying there who were actually supposed to be there. Oh yeah also when he was in the comedy condo which he illegally snuck into he went on this messageboard and pretended to be a big fan of his own comedy and made a thread being liek oh man this guy is so great and then someone called him on it and his response was basically SO! Sorry I was just realising that I never told you guys that a guy like that exists.

I stopped by at my grandparents house today. They live in a home now but grandpa was in the garage cleaning stuff up when I got there. They are putting their house up for sale now. I helped him sweep up some birdseed and cracked corn stuff off the floor of the garage that the racoons got into. My grandpa said the coons love cracked corn. He was just sitting on a chair in there when I went in and I sat down next to him for a bit. I told him that I love the smell of the garage (It smells sort of like a dirt basement in there)....anyway he just said something like oh this old stink....but I can't help but think that he must like the smell of it in there too. He spent a lot of time in there and my grandpa lived in that house his whole life. His father built it before he was born. It made me so damn sad, I bawled all the way to Summerside and the truth is I am bawling again now just thinking about it. I just wish that he could understand how much that smell actually meant to me. The only time I ever smelled anything like it when I was kid was when I went to their house and it was so exciting to me. It makes me think of my grandpa out in the garage working on something or out in his garden. He was a farmer and he knows an aweful lot about growing things. He also had a keen interest in antigue engines. He used to collect them and put them in the parades. I was always really impressed with him. My grandma used to grow a long row of flowers at the edge of the lawn. Huge roses and the like which she entered into this flower competition in town. She would win a lot of the prizes and one time she let me enter a flower in under my own name and it came in third. They had this bluish/purple bouncy ball that I would take out in the driveway and bounce around and it made this special kind of echo sound when it bounced. I don't really know how to describe it- I just mean that the smell made me remember what that place felt like when I was a kid and it was something special. I can't remember the places we lived so hot when I was a kid because they were mostly row houses and we moved around a lot. I can't get any of this out eloquently. All I can say is that I felt happy to spend that bit of time with him but sad as hell at the same time. I don't know how to cope with aging and death. I was supposed to go see my dads father before he died and I just didn't. I felt like I just couldnt stand to see him so sick and I don't know how to act around someone when you know they are going to die soon. I want to say a million things but I am afraid to and I always start to kinda cry and feel embarrassed.

consider yourself challenged

2009-07-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

I guess I havn't been writing much this summer eh? I guess that is for the twins reasons of being on vacation and also working all the time. I am on a brain vacation sort of...not that I am not thinking of stuff I think I am just on a recharge or whatever. Also I really do work all the time it seems. I work pretty late too. I don't mind so much though because I want to save up lots of money. I am obsessed with buying some property or a little cottage or something on PEI. I love it here and I want to come back next summer and I also kind of want to live in a dumb trailer or something. Also I am realising that I will not be able to afford anything once I am done school because I will owe the government all my money so I should probably have a place to hide out at and be folk artist or whatever. The truth is I am going crazy with desire everytime I see some laundry out hung up on a line because I want it SO BAD. I have a meeting with a real estate agent in a few days even though I have no money really and no credit.

I'm dreaming songs almost every night it seems...but as usual I can't seem to remember much about them for long when I wake up. I wrote a note to myself that I think was the chorus of a song but I can barely read it. I think it says "I owe you the book on you" I think that meant something more to me than I can figure out right now and I keep rolling the words around in my head to see what they attach themselves to.

It stormed like crazy this morning and I couldn't sleep because the poor dog was breathing so heavy and shaking like crazy. The odd thing is that lately she has been sometimes shaking like crazy when the weather is perfectly fine....if you take her out and throw the ball around she'll calm right down so I don't know what that is about. She is getting to be pretty old and turning pretty weird in general so maybe it is just that but also I am like whoa? can you sense danger girl?

I'm exhausted folks. My family dragged me out to see double feature at the drive-in Ice Age 3? and Night at the Museum 2.

They were about as good as one would expect. There was some pretty strong umm sexual innuendo imagery in Ice Age which was sorta interesting to me though and they played the old intermission tape at the drive thru which was pretty neat. It is an add for the canteen and they are like SPARKILING SODA POP!

okay bye

dead bird alert

2009-06-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

OK did I ever tell you guys that I am sort of paranoid that I am some sort of dark lord of birds before? Basically, I see dead birds a lot I think? I mean what is the average amount of dead birds someone is supposed to see? Also a lot of the birds I see are headless. Ugh. I dunno. The week before I moved here I think I saw four dead birds in Toronto. Wait no. One was not dead yet. A cat ate its rear end off and it was on it's back kinda pain chirping pathetically. It was aweful I was freaking out because I knew I would have to kill it when my crazy neighbour rolled up and he said he would finish it off for me. Another one of the dead birds was this one that was right outside my step, its body was intact except that it had a big hole where its heart would go and everytime I left my house a whole bunch of flies would come flying out its heart hole.

Also, umm a couple years ago for some reason birds started to fly like right by my head like they brush against my hair when they fly past....but that has happened in awhile. Anyway so I've been living with this paranoia that somehow I make birds die or that soem part of the universe is piling up bird corpses in my path but I was kinda over it because I had only seen one headless bird since I got here (which was kinda weird-it wasn't on the road it looked like its head got crushed by a rock or something) Ugh, anyway, yeah that was the only one I saw...and plus there is this eagle that flies around majestically by my work all the time so i kinda figured I was home free regarding being some sort of dark lord of birds but then yesterday I was driving with Tess and there was this bird just standing on the road in front of us and it eventually kinda walked over top the other side of the road where some other car immediately ran it over...and then when I went for that walk i saw another headless bird.

anyway, umm besdies all that stuff I love PEI.

gentlemen fallers

2009-06-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

That is something funny we found today. It's a placemat my sister made for us when she was a kid. I guess she decided after the fact that maybe the dogs buthole was in poor taste.

I went and saw the hangover with her and Ryan today. I guess I liked it just because of Zach Galifianakis...swoon. Christ I don't need to start fantasizing about him again. I guess he will probably get to be super famous now and it will be weird. Anyway, they played who let the dogs out near the beginning of the movie. Ugh, they seriously need to stop playing that song in movies. Anyway a pretty good joke/burn to say if you would be his friend and he started to get all I dunno, how celeberities are supposed to be, uhh bossy or self important or dickish or whatever...the joke would be that he would be maybe throwing a fit over something lame and you go WHOA WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?!

Anyway I got a job. I feel like I have been here longer than I have. There is so much space here, it's so lovely to see big fields and hills. Not that I was ever un-in-love with my home but after being in Toronto for that time I really appreciate the amount of space I can see.

ghost of happy futures

2009-06-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

I think maybe some good advice is geez, don't own anything. I'm in PEI right now and I brought pretty much all of my clothes with me. I left the house yesterday with these two giant bags and just realised how ridiculous it was immediately but didn't really have time to deal with it...anyway I had to take 18 pounds of stuff out of my bag as carry on luggage to even be allowed to check in. Ugh, so dumb. I guess a lot of my art crap is heavy too but blugh. Oh, I started to think about that because I was thinking I was relaxed but then got immediate anxiety when I thought about my apartment. Anyway, I am here now. I went to the beach tonight and it was lovely.

Last night my family got pretty hammered, or me and my mom did atleast I dunno. Anyway I guess I don't have much to say about that. My sis and I went for a walk and stopped into see our grandparents in their new nursing home. It was kind of entertaining to me. My grandpa is this real quiet farmer type guy....he still wakes up at quarter after 4 every morning. Anyway, I guess a few months ago he just busted out these Marilyn Monroe suspenders and now he wears them every day. Tess was saying when he first busted them out that grandma was sort of embarrassed or being sort of like umm? are you gonna wear those suspenders out to dinner and he was just all yup, I am sure am. Anyway, I was asking them about this nursing home versus their last one and they like this one much better. They only went in a nursing home in the last year so it is still pretty weird to have them out of their own home. Anyway, they like this place a lot better because they said the last place was super boring and all the other residents were deaf and shitty to talk to. Grandma was kinda going on about how boring it was at the old place and then she says "One day, we even played cards with eachother. That's how bad it got."

It's possible that I find that funnier than other people.

p.s. I also went to that bingo that I prebooked a booklet for. It was Bingo that was put on by the social comittee of my mom and sisters work and it was pretty bad because there was no bingo screen and the lady that was calling the numbers didn't have a mic and she was using just this tiny little hand rolling bingo machine. Anyway the prizes were all things like 40 dollar gift certificates to uhh M&M meat shops or zellers and stuff like that. This old french woman at the table next to us gave me a million old french lady crotch shots because for some reason she decided to wear this fancy short skirted suit out and also never close her legs. The woman that was sitting next to her also talked THE ENTIRE TIME. about nothing. She was just dumb and loved hearing her own voice, like they said called out I 16 and the woman just goes. 16. My son is 16. He has his learners permit. They call out B 15 and she just says. One and a five. To no one. Ugh. Also the french lady couldn't understand any of the bingo winning patterns and needed ro have them to be explained to her like ten times. She had particular trouble with two lines or one line and four corners.

I think the weird patterns on the cards made by drawing of the random numbers makes me think about things in weird ways that I can't explain. Well that combined with the boredom of bingo and the time it gives you to think about things. I felt like I wanted to take everyones used up cards home and, you know, run scientific experiments on them.

Anyway, I won twice but all I got was 20 dollars of gift certificates to the drug store and a free booklet for the next time that they have social comittee bingo. Anyway, I need to get a job, you can't live off that.

heart sharpener

2009-05-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Some sort of miracle happened a few days where suddenly I don't want to drink really. I am like GOOOOOOOD I just want to be sober. I think it is maybe because for one I looked at these pictures when I was skinny from excersizing and not drinking and I was like whoa that was nice kinda. I remember. I dunno, I don't even mean so much being skinny as just I dunno being sober or healthy or something. I guess being skinny was pretty good too except that my boobs got so small and it made me feel self conscious. Also I dunno, I am not even sure that I ever minded being not skinny, it's just that, at the time I was dating some manorexic dude who pretty much called me fat and commented about other womens bodies all the time and it gave me a complex. God....if you guys actually listen to anything that I say then ugh, don't date people like that. I keep thinking about how miserable it made me and I am like fuuuuuck I am dumb. Anyway whatever, it's long over no biggie.

Oh yeah also when I quit drinking for all that time before I had so much money it was amazing.....

Is there anything else I wanted to talk about? Oh just that I hate my job and I can't wait to be done and omg I am going to be home in a week.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

That is the noise I am going to make on the plane so that other people won't like me.

Also when the plane lands I will hold my hand up to chest and start to cry. That part is true I do that all the time when I go to PEI.

Ugh I have to pack and somehow make room for the girl who is subletting my place.
I layed in bed most of the day partially cus I figured it was raining and I was therefore mildly depressed but then it turned out to be really nice outside when I got up.

Whatever sorry I am boring.

the roaring 2000s

2009-05-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Oh Hi, I am crazy into acid now. ugh just kidding.

Whatever I need to shower. I wanted to test out my widened my template.

blah blah blah wah wah wah don't bother reading this

2009-05-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

I went to this life drawing thing tonight. It is not really that much of life drawing though because they wear costumes instead of nudity but I guess there is partial nudity. I dunno the model did a strip tease at the beginning. It was alright but after two hours I had to leave i just couldn't sit there anymore and actually concentrate on that same guy. Bler. Also you can't really big drawing pads so that kinda sucked but whatever it was neat. There was this ego-crushingly hot girl sitting next to me. Whatever she turned out to be this burlesque dancer....maybe it is less ego-crushing to know she is professionally hot ugh.

I'm fucking depressed today. I think I hate my apartment and I don't feel like dealing with it or my stuff this summer/next fall. I am also pretty lonely I guess. I pretty much stay in bed or at my computer for two or three hours everyday till I am like okay seriously Melissa enough and then I just walk around all all day usually doing umm, not much just walking...I sing a lot when I walk I guess which is sorta what makes it fun. I like walking but you can't do it all day and when I came home from walk today I felt pretty defeated just ugh what now? Then I went to that drawing thing and it is the same thing, I get kinda cheered up but I just feel immediately depressed when I come home. So I dunno.... is that my apartment or am I sick of living alone or maybe I am just generally depressed, I can't tell.

God there is nothing like reading about someone elses depression is there? Actually maybe it is better than reading about someone elses happiness. Whhaaattttaya think?

Errgh okay here is the other depression making thought that keeps finding it's way back into my brain. I feel really frustrated creatively. I feel like I am not doing anything new ever I am just writing more garbage and drawing more garbage. I worry a lot about my mind because I feel like maybe it is not capable of concentrating on things for a long time....but I just have this compulsion to be doing something creative all the time. What I mean is...you know when you see a crazy person rambling on and it seems almost like their mind is possessing their bodies to say all these things but somewhere somehow it is not getting out properly. I mean sort of like that. I draw so many things that I just seriously hate to look at but I just keep drawing them I don't know I can't get anything good out.

*I was gonna write more but then I went and drank and didn't feel depressed anymore and I was bored of thinking about that stuff....... so I never finished. you are welcome.

the cream team

2009-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

Oh hey guys,

I talk a lot about PEI I guess so I figured you might want to know what it's like. It's like in that video.....that's what I say.

Seriously though here is a message I just got on facebook.

Please write something about this on your blog:

*cue video of Karl Wolf's version of Africa*

Why is shit like this still being made? This is the WORST thing ever. Oh my gawd why did I sit through this video because it just fills me with rage.

Anyway this video is pretty funny because the only reason I really know about this song is that my mom listens to it all the time because it sounds like the original Toto version except when buddy goes apeshit rap crazy innit which is the part where my sister makes all these crazy apeshit rapping faces in my moms car and it is pretty funny. I can't even really make fun of it because it just all so obvious. I dunno, don't act like that-especially if you are covering a song by a band named Toto. Also why the fuck does it say La Fin at the end, like oh sorry I didn't realise we were watching a riveting story here, I thought it was just tits for hire and couple of douchebags running around doing douchebag things. My mistake.

sigh.

I rode my bike today and it was awesome. I did other fun things too. I made a fun sandwich with comedy in the middle of it.

golden rings and things

2009-05-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

If I was thin and a prostitute cartoon I think I would be that cartoon lady.....cus she has big boobs and my same hair-do. She was half ass based on Bettie Page whom people like to tell me that I look lately for some reason even though I don't really all that much and I never heard it before but like once a week for the last couple months, I dunno....

Anyway I went to the dufferin mall and I really lived it up because I bought some reeses peanut butter cups and then I went and sat on this shiatsu massager chair and got a 2 dollar 4 minute massage while eating peanut butter cups. It was kinda fun but also really embarassing like uhh god I hope no one I know comes in and finds me sweaty from walking to dufferin mall in the sun getting a shitty massage in between the dollarama and the no frills. Also I had on this pretty thin worn out t-shirt of mine that I won't get rid of because it says PEI roadrunners on it and it is see thru and the shiatsu chair massage was making my boobs jiggle like crazy....some old guy walked by and kinda gave me the eye but it seemed to be not really a sexy eye but the judgemental sexy eye like watch that boob jiggle lady or something. My lifestyle is so decadent it is hard not to attract an interested and dissaproving eye in the dufferin mall, basically I am a lady Bachus rolling in with my crew or whatever but my crew is like a twoonie and a dollarama chocolate bar. Oh Bachus....one winter I made this giant snow pile that looked like a bunch of grapes using this big round punchbowl so that I could sit on top of it and pretend I was Bachus but I think I was going by Dionysus back then.

God I am loser.

Is Bachus a sex maniac? I think he is. I feel like a sex maniac lately..... I don't mean I am out fucking a harem maniac styles or anything but I feel pretty pervy all the time. There is this guy that I work with who is pretty pervy and today I made him tell me a bunch of pervy stories about him and his girlfriend. Anyway if you are bored tell me pervy stories about times that you had sex before.

I pre-booked a bingo booklet

2009-05-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Oh man I am having Saddle River String Band dance party in my room and it is not even noon yet. Anyway I have money for food today that is a pretty good reason to celebrate. Holy Bajoley I am in a good mood because also I looked at this picture and it makes me laugh a lot. whoa nick is teeny tiny. Oh man it is so good that we are all different sizes think how boring it would be if everyone was the same height pretty much. Anyway it is BREAKFAST PARTY! time.

p.s. that just means I am going to go eat breakfast, I am not uhh drinking by myself for breakfast or anything.

BYEEEEE

magic research society

2009-05-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

dumbo jumbo

2009-05-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

These are old I forgot about them.

Umm, why am I writing today? I think it is because I am starting to get anxiety about leaving for the summer. I am nervous about leaving my apartment and Toronto and worried that I am gonna be really bored or something. So I dunno, make me feel not like that. I think I gained ten pounds in the last week. Dom is gone today so hopefully that will stop, the getting fatter I mean. I had a weird week. Oh Okay I think I just wanted to write because I have a bunch of anxiety about a abunch of dumb things but that is boring and dumb to write about so maybe I will just go for a walk or hang out with someone or something.

dolly lama

2009-05-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

One of these pictures actually gave me a nightmare last night. The one with Dom and the gasmask on. I dreamt this guy came to my house to rape and torture me but then I ran out of the house kinda so that we would be in a public and he couldnt rape me but I couldnt scream out or something so I just talked to him and the guy was half ass Dom and he was pretty funny. Then I was really disturbed because I was like ahh this rapist ain't so bad....like dissapointed in myself for being dumb. I mean the guy was like what? I wasn't gonna do anything too bad to you when I broke into your house but he had all this sticky rope and a glue gun and all this fucked up shit with him and I was like umm what about all that stuff then? and he was hey it's my first rape I dunno what I'm doing, I brought props, I dunno...

It was pretty fucking creepy anyway, especially that it was half ass Dom. The reason why I had it I think is that one time some people put this life sized dummy of a man in gas mask at my door and knocked and ducked and I looked out the window and thought it was a real person that was there to rape and kill me. It seriously traumatized the shit outta me and I sorta get the chills whenever I see a gas mask now. I also can't handle being scared-it messed up my flight or fight instinct-I am all fight now. Never frighten me for I will punch you in the face and scream bloody murder, I can't help it.

I am pretty hungry and I want to go to Paris.

modern animals

2009-05-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

The subway tiles at Rosedale are my favourite. I was on the subway one day with this girl who does not live in Toronto and she kinda made fun of Rosedale station like ugh god how old are these tiles? and it pretty much blew my mind...I mean why would you change the tiles?... especially when they are so pretty. I always ask people about their favourite and least favourite looking subway stops but no one seems to have an answer usually. It is always kind of mentally distressing to me like am I the only person with a childs mind for placing things in categories still????

The picture at the bottom shows the tiles better.

I always fear that I repeat myself on here...do I do that? have i talked about the subway tiles before? Do people even read blogs anymore or did facebook kill them? It was easier to write back when people actually read this but I suppose it's important to keep writing no matter what...

I have had this blog for so long now I find it hard to imagine being someone who doesn't have one...My head has these thought tornadoes swirling around and once I write about something I feel like it takes a bit of pressure off of me to stop thinking that thought so much.

Yesterday I went to Tim Hortons and got a coffee and the guy asks if I want anything else and I say yeah I want to pee too. He kinda laughed at me and then gave me the bathroom key which is attached to this thing that says "featured soup" and I really wanted to make a joke about umm making the featured soup in the toilet bowl but I couldn't really think of a clever way to word it and plus I thought maybe it was too gross. Still you can't expect to give people a tag that says featured soup and go into a room and fill a bowl with liquid and expect them not think of that. I put the tag on the toilet and took a picture of it after I was done but uhhh, i guess I won't post it. There is just one tiny pathetic poo in there, kinda unimpressive anyway...

I've been drinking too much I am up at 7:30 every day lately. guh. Anyway, Dom is coming to town today I am excited. I think I am going to try and drag him out to Toronto Island sometime this week.

hot headed can't you see

2009-05-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

I really think that there is some kind of pick up artist school that operates on queen st between spadina and john because pretty much everytime someone has asked me on a date off the street in this city it is there. I think I told you that in the fall but it happened again, I guess the tit-gazers take a break in the winter. I also think that the school particularly caters to indian gentlemen because I am pretty sure the were all indian men that asked me out there.

Another thing that I want to say about the area between queen st between spadina and john is that I hate the fucking street performers. In general I hate street performers just because ugh, so lame. Anyway tho the one that I hate the most is that guy with the fucking rocks that he balances. Okay if you dont live in Toronto there is this guy that balances rocks and like concrete things on eachother and people are all amazed, I dunno why he uses the same pile of rocks all the time it doesn't blow my mind. Anyway he takes up half the fucking street and I am always afraid one of his dumb rock sculptures is gonna fall on my feet. I've been meaning to get that off my chest for awhile now.

Also I am not a complete stone heart I like the musicians in the subways usually.

umm I dunno I was playing with a photocopier today. I guess I don' care enough about these to fix them. bye.

a gift from moron brain

2009-05-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry I think that cartoon is dumb and not funny but I am pretty bored. It is raining out and I was broke and alone all day so I dunno it ads up to being bored. I wanted to just read comic or a book or somethign but I dont really have any ones that I want to read right now. I decided to try and make a zine but then I just made a mess on my floor and that dumb cartoon. Ugh. I'm so restless right now. I think maybe I need to learn how to play the piano or something because I can't stand anything anymore.

a little privacy while I animorph please

2009-05-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my God I am broke and I am sick of eating the vegetarian chilli that I made a couple of days ago. I keep pooping corn, so predictable.

My family went to Disneyland (sans me) and I just keep looking at my sisters facebook pictures and being like oh my god my family is pretty and funny and I want to hang out with them. My sister is pretty funny or she made a dumpload of funny photo captions. Ahh the photo caption. I could muse on like uhh how popular the photo caption has become but thats pretty boring.

See they are adorable. Tess and I got a loaner chevy for us to drive around which puts me in a happier mood about going home. I was worried about being stuck in the country by myself all the time. I wonder if Tessa will let me name it maxine (after maxine sullivan) cus it looks like a hospital maxi pad and plus I named my other cars after singers. I am starting to get pretty pumped to go everytime I listen firetrucks siren past or a cracked out bum gives me the heebie jeebies. Oh also my room in PEI is like three times as big as my apartment and it's on its own floor and sigh I am excited.

Also, I wanted to say why don't you guys ever answer my questions geez I am on a discovery mission about humanity and no one will fill out the damn questionairre.

Banjo Ben and his Rice Tatties

2009-05-04T23:46:00.000-07:00

Okay I have a question. Am I the only person who constantly wants to start jamming on boners like they are a flute that I am playing when I am trying to give a blow job?

I think I am bored all the time because I am half retarded or something, like the one part of my brain that is smart is just constantly checking its watch like Geeezus Chriiiiiissst how long do I have to hang around this fucking moron? The answer is the rest of your life.
fuck.

So....watch this video moron brains.

Oh God. Don't watch any of the other keyboard cat ones though because it is all people getting hurt and I hate them. That is one the most widespread popular things that I don't understand at all. I mean videos of people getting hurt and those television shows where it is just string of them all together. Ugh, it gets me all worked up and disturbed.

toastmasters mind dump

2009-05-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

ooops I just remembered that sometimes I like privacy so I had to edit some of my last post maybe I should erase it all who knows. Gawd. How about I just get drunk and go home and cry about hating my job and then blog about it at five in the morning. Such a pathetic image. The other job in my life that I worked at a lot other than this one was for the government I would always do this contract work and my last contract was 6 months or something and near the end of it they kept being like stay for another week and I hated it. I made plans to go do something else when it was done and they just wanted me to stay so I went to the doctor and got him to write me a note that said work made me too crazy for me to stay. I think they were kinda pissed off about it at work, because they basically thought I was just pretending to go crazy so that I could stop working and go on vacation which was sort of true but at the same I was going pretty crazy. I would just sit there and kinda feel panicky like I had to run out of there. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just couldn't stand to waste any more of my life in there. So is that not going crazy? What kind of crazy should you be to quit work? One day I was walking to work in Ottawa in the summer and it was just the beginning of summer and I walked by all these people sitting with their friends and families on their patios and then as soon I walked into the door to work I just started bawling because I couldn't stand the idea of being there. They let me go home.

cranky skirts

2009-05-01T02:06:00.001-07:00

Wow is it really five in the morning and I am up crying about my job? yes it is and yes I am. I dunno here is my advice if you can take it,

don't get a job.

Although if you could afford to not have a job i would probably advise you to get one for a learning experience. Basically I am here to blow your minds with the fact that having a job sucks. Here is what happened to me. I always had like 80 zillion different jobs and they all sucked, ok 80 zillion is probably more like 45-60 and always is from 17 till 24. So what used to happen is that I would have all these different jobs that I hated mostly and then I would quit them and get a new one and then one day I got a job that I kind of liked and now I worked at that job for almost 4 years and now I hate it...and I don't hate it because I hate the work specifically. I hate it because I hate that it is something I have invested so much of my fucking life into and it still gives me shit. I hate that I am broke and pissed off and depressed about money and I dunno? I am not crazy for the work specifically either I just would rather waitress then sit around is all I mean. I think what I am trying to communicate here is fuuuuuuuckkk, how can anyone be happy- work is so much bullshit, probably everywhere- pathetic fucking shit get ahead games for nothing. Here is the thing; probably if you have something creative or specific that you are trying to do with your life then probably your boss does not right now. Probably they are not sure what to do so they figure that being the boss of some people is good enough of a goal in the meantime and that makes it basically impossible for you guys to get along because your worldviews are always going to be clashing.

The moral of the story is I'm broke and I'm leaving in month and I feel like I can't even wait, this last month feels like torture and I am depressed about my life choices when it comes to not having won the lottery by now.

p.s. sorry I am so boring and shitty at writing

bedtime

2009-04-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

Whoa how long did I just spend making this so I can try and convince people that I was psychedelic soul spooner in the seventies. Too much time. That is the answer.

Bye Beauties!

hairy scarey, quite contrary

2009-04-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

Okay this is my third time writing today I guess I have a lot on my mind?

Actually I think I am kind of bored of my thoughts or something...I kind of just think about things for a long time and then I get sort of OKAY SOMETHING NEW. I have spent the past few months thinking about umm haha the apocolypse, advertising and media technologies, sigh.

I had a nightmare the other day where I was sort of locked inside of a barn, I think, and there was a tv in there and it was just kind of flashing red light and moving around and I was trying to convince, I dunno who, about how tv is just a screen with moving lights around, how it's nothing. I think it was sort of torture in the dream. I don't even feel like talking about it because I'm bored of it.

I went to see Doug Stanhope last night. I am going to write my opinion of some things he said maybe because he specifically said to the crowd uhh dont blog about this no one cares about your opinion which I found dumb cus why should anyone care about his. If you are interesting enough that you can get people to listen to your opinion or your story or whatever, then tell it.

I didn't really find the show all that funny but it had some pretty funny parts. I found it was more just him saying what he thinks about things which was kind of interesting in certain ways. It was interesting to me because some of his things that he thinks about are the same things that I think about and have considered writing jokes about but they were said in a different way, like he was talking about call centres and just all the misdirected hatred that goes on in it which is something I tend think about in a specfic way like either cancer of the earth, or I just picture this big read squiggly wire thing like jumbled up anger but he worded it more low lovel bler blah something blah blah. Okay that is boring.

Then sometimes he said things that I just disagreed with and instead of being persuaded by funny about it you just sit there and think oh I disagree. He had this whole big bit about how sex is just...*and he makes the sound blort* and kinda acts out spunking I guess. He says how it is the same no matter who you sleep with and he goes on about like some example of some shitty person to sleep with and how it's blort and says sex with your soulmate and how it's blort. In my head I am like, whoa first of all soulmate...you can't just drop imaginary thing bombs into an argument and expect it to be convincing and second of all women don't even spunk so you are ignoring half of the sex havers. Third of all, if that's all sex is then just jerk off and shut the fuck up...sex is a lot more powerful, beautiful, and frightening thing than that sound. So I was listening to that joke and I was thinking about this joke from Mr. Montgomery's philosophy/penis book.

Okay I will actually just copy and paste the joke part here but you can go read the post of you want to see a hilarious picture of Jess, some animals and gravestones and my damn fine legs from however many years ago.

We are all just a bunch of soft, pink, squishy viruses...
Trying to make it in this infinitesimally small corner...Of our ever-expanding, convoluted universe...
And...by what means...?
By squirtin tiny, little jellied tadpoles into each other...
Imagine that...
That's it.
Sounds pretty silly don't it?
Who the hell thought that up...anyways...?
Little tiny jellied tadpoles...
Some idiot in Sales and Marketing, probably...
Squirt, squirt, squirt...
"Swim boy, swim..."
So...Like I'm thinkin...
Maybe it's the tadpoles, after all..
Holdin all the secrets...
Maybe...
Just maybe...
They are like...
some alien race...
From another planet or something...
Or...time travellers...
Using really strong, really tiny magnets...
Or something...
And...We don't really make the tadpoles, ourselves...
It's like...
They make themselves, in our bodies...
Using us...Instead of us...using them....
Like...I guess that would make my dick...
Some kind of alien spaceship or something....

Anyway, yeah it just seemed like okay maybe he is trying to talk about the adsurdity of sex but instead of reducing it down to a science/visual thing which is humourous he was trying to reduce it in this other dumb way that didn't make sense.

The other thing is that it seems like he has a lot of dumb fans... like just people who want to be loser cokeheads and still be able to tell themselves that they are smart outsiders of society instead of loser cokeheads but they are too dumb to think about anything on their own and come up with their own opinions so instead they just go to his shows and listen to his....it's like getting another dumb tattoo or something just braindead soft core rebellion.

excessive recessive genes

2009-04-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

I just had a nice breakfast thing but it put me in a really restless mood, maybe it's just the caffeine.

I was hanging out with Nick and Greg last night, they are both smallish men, comedians with fairly impressive beards- anyway I was dressed up in heels and one my typical poofy ridiculous Melissa type dresses and I felt in a way like I owned them. Not in an oppressive way like I OWN YOU FUCKS but it was just a nice visual somehow. I dunno, now that I'm so restless I can't stop thinking about it. What I mean is I have this sort of urge to somehow gather up a posse of eight of them and just have them as my escorts in life or whatever. I love the idea of Peter the great and his band of midgets that he collected and dragged around with him everywhere. It sounds like kind of a harsh fucked up thing to do but I'm sure the midgets had a good life, I don't think he treated them poorly he just enjoyed their appearance and company. I guess what I mean is I relate to the idea of doing absurd things...just because how do you know that that isn't what will make you happy ugh. I think the idea of a posse of similarish looking people is something that appeals to people in general, think snow white and the seven dwarves or uhh gwen stefani and her asian get-a-long gang. I know Peter the Great wouldn't be fond of the bearded choice so don't bother being all BEARD TAX in comments. Also sorry to be THAT person who is just casually dropping Peter the Great factoids into conversation but I can't help it I think about the guy a lot.

p.s. I also want to point out that I don't think, you know, 8 of the exact same looking people would be fun at all, the appeal is sort of in the similarity but also hugely in the difference, while Nick and Greg can be described similarly on paper they don't look actually look alike and obviously have different personalities and simultaneously make different expressions. I mean the Gwen thing is pretty boring because the get along gang is too similar and too vacant, the success of the 7 dwarves is the fact they all have these different personalities and looks to them, different world views haha.

life is tough-eat chocolate

2009-04-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday looking up country songs that I know from karaoke and uhh being emotionally moved by the stories they tell. God I love Fancy. Here is Reba McEntire doing it...it won't embed.

Okay one time I went to this weird karaoke in Charlottetown and the woman who I think was the host had the probably the strongest voice I have ever heard in my whole life. Myself and the girl I was with were seriously floored. She sang fancy and it made my cry. She sang Shakira, I dunno it was crazy...because she is singing Shakira and you were just like forced by your body into like quietly listening and being amazed? So strange because it was shakira and karaoke but this woman could sing in a way that I have never heard anyone sing. That was a zillion years ago now probably I will remember it forever. I will be on my deathbed telling my grandchildren about this time I saw some woman sing karaoke and how it was amazing and they will be yup uh hunh It was amazing I bet, btw you don't even have grandkids we are nurses and we have space cars to ride in so bye.

I wonder if science fiction is still being written in that way, you know space cars and what not. I think maybe people are less hopeful about the future or less excited for wacky technology. I suppose I could go ask them at the book store but I was never really crazy for science fiction. At one point in my life I had a book of Asimov short stories and I wasn't really fond of them except this one that had something to do with a bridge troll. He might not have even written it, it might have been edited by him. If anyone knows what story I am talking about, tell me. I would like to read it again.

Here is another one of my favourite country songs. Okay now I am getting into Conway Twitty I guess I can stop posting all my favourite country videos blar.

Nick and Alex are in town. I saw so much comedy this week. I am pretty pumped to have a break from being around comedy this summer. Maybe I will like it again when I come home or maybe I will just decide to be okay with not doing it.

Okay that was my last one. Nick is going home today I am going to meet them all for breakfast I should shower and what not.

wife vests

2009-04-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

It's funny outside.

2009-04-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys,

This is my animation. It is still glitchy and ugh. I will try and fix it up later and maybe repost it again but it is pretty sunny out today I think I am gonna head out for a walk.

I have aunts in my pants, said the uncle.

2009-04-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

Hi, I might make a dumb zine and sell it at the Toronto Comic Arts Festival. You should go. Look it up yourself I am too lazy right now it around May 8th I think. Maybe I will dig up my old zine from high school and you can read about the life views of a fifteen year old girl. Exciting stuff. Also, that is a joke, I am not going to do that.

I am at school pretty much killing time before I have to go to work because class ended early. Oh my god I am almost done my first year at University and I am not even failing- who is proud? I made an animation but I can't figure out how to make into a youtube put-up-able thing yet. I think I told you that last time. I duunno, thats my life. I am Neil Hamburger. Whatever I am going to start a comic act where I just rip off Neil Hamburger and I call myself Neil Hamburgler...or maybe Steel Hamburgler, I'll go double duty on theft puns. Alright I'm not gonna do that either.

I guess I'm gonna go scan a bunch of dumb little things I made. Bye.

p.s. here are my dumb things i just scanned...

Angel of Harlem

2009-04-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

Imageshack has a glittery image maker now. Ugh, they were doing surveys recently about how to improve- so obviously people were asking for it. Anyway, that's my friend Bobby.

I havn't had time to write because I am pretty busy with school there is a just few weeks left. I am making a stop animation thing in flash and i have already spent probably 2o hours on it ugh. I have about 1000 frames filled and I think I need to go shoot more scenes....fun fun fun. You guys can be excited when I show it to you....OR ELSE.

Some things I meant to tell you about were I think wheni got drunk and made my neighbours cat come in my apartment and sleep with me. I think I was also gonna tell you about the street car and I dunno what else sorry.

Sorry that picture is so hard on the eyes I guess I will have to write lots so I can push it off the page or something.

stay crassy

2009-03-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

hey fuckers.

Umm, I just wanted to call you guys fuckers. Thanks for reading my blog FUCKERS. My neighbours cat keeps bringing dead birds to my doorstep. The other day he brought just a bird wing. I hope it is the cat anyway and not some loony bin who is threatening/wooing me with his dead bird collection.

I have class. Not class, as in classy lady. Okay I guess I have to leave. More later bye.

further and farther

2009-03-25T14:30:00.001-07:00

I'm supposed to be drawing for school Okay i am gonna go do it now sorry maybe I will write later.

Bye.

casa loma wasn't built in a day

2009-03-23T23:57:00.000-07:00

I've kind of been smoking a lot of pot lately. Uhh, I went to Ottawa for the annual roast. It was super fun. I love people making fun of other people in fun environment. I get really excited.

whatever I have to go to bed bye.

pew hogger

2009-03-17T01:41:00.000-07:00

Is that a corney image?
I can't even tell.

I have a lot to do and I can't sleep usually. I think I am going to go home for the summer. Maybe I will even live in a tent again. I re-read Anne of green Gables I am so homesick and I cried a million times during it even though it is far too descriptive about gardens and flowers. I read a passage from it to Nick today on the phone and he said it gave him a boner, haha.

Ah fuck I just realised my clock on my computer is wroong and I am up way later than I ought to be.

Bye.

handsome and wholesome

2009-03-15T00:26:00.000-07:00

give me my pun back

2009-03-12T22:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry but I took break from rejecting society to buy a new dress.

I took too long to write and now I have a million things to catch up on but half of them are imaginary and half of those I can't remember so maybe it won't be so bad. The thing is sometimes I feel guilty when I don't write about things because I know that I will probably forget it all in due time.

I spent yesterday walking around with Al v:Tuck handing out cds to stores and what not and despite the wind it was quite a pleasant day. I was thinking about it, and Lubel and Tuck are the two people I know who are most obsessed with their own names; perhaps it's an inspiring nomiker to own? I don't think nomiker is a word but it is somewhat similar to the one I mean. You guys figure it out. Seriously you are not worth the effort. That was a joke.

What else?
Oh I wanted to tell you guys about the other day when it was pouring and I was walking home and I was imagining that when I would get home that there would be a homeless person sleeping in front of my doorstep and how I would have to wake them up and be all like oh yeah tough rain eh? and how I would be such a good person because I would not even make them vacate my doorstep on account of the weather, but at the same time I was imaging how I would be scared that they had me kinda cornered so I was also imagining how I would make them step away from door by a 10 feet or so while I went in. Then I was imagining how I would probably give them some garbage bags to protect them from the rain and sorta self congratulating myself, like as if I would be this really good person if I gave a homeless person some garbage bags to sleep under. So pathetic. Of course there was no one there when I got home and the whole thing was some sort of shitty self congratulating shitty morals fantasy. I felt kinda guilty about it and started to think how probably like me most of the good things that people do are 1) NOT GOOD and 2) TAKE PLACE IN THEIR IMAGINATION but maybe it is better to atleast fantasize about doing semi-decent things than fantasize about doing bad things. sigh.

I can't even re-read that sorry I am too full of shame and alcohol.

p.s. MONIKER
whoa how did I forget that?

the experimental face mask

2009-03-02T22:23:00.000-08:00

umm yeah whatever. This is me reminding myself that I have an appointment to get my hair cut. I am gonna read in bed. Don't be too jealous now. BYYYEEEEE

peeper pleaser

2009-02-26T23:36:00.000-08:00

dribble scribble

2009-02-25T01:31:00.000-08:00

Umm, am I too old to be a singing sensation? hahaha Okay maybe I will save that dream for when I am old and I am friends with guys who have long hair and garages to rock out in. I think if I was in charge there would be more singing senstations and dancing- like local groups. I dunno is that what karaoke is? I dunno maybe someone should invent a country with mandatory choral service or something. People would probably be happier. Oh maybe I am turning into a crackpot like right now I am probably growing the seeds inside my head of a future manifesto- like when I am sixty I will be trying to re-order society but no one will listen to me so maybe I will just buy an acre and invite a bunch of people to my yard and try and try to re-order the society of people on my lawn. Sigh. When I finished high school I was sort of planning on joining a commune. I even had one picked out. It was this one. I dunno why I changed my mind. I guess partly because we met this weird cult that at the Winnipeg Folk Festival that called themselves a commune and creeped me out but probably mostly cus I got a boyfriend and started getting drunk and having sex with him instead. God part of me is like oh, teenagers and their communes- like I think it is just the same thing as poetry where everyone goes through that "phase" but also I am sort of like umm Melissa no, all teenagers do not go through phases where they want to move to communes.

Anyway the weird thing is that I had this commune all picked out and everything and then one day I met this girl who was busking or something and she was from the commune. She told us about how they would all go on this giant road trip dumpster dive thing when university got out cus all the students would dump their stuff at the end of the year and I was pretty into it. I guess I wouldn't like that part so much anymore because now that I live in Toronto I am crazy afraid of bed bugs and I would be freaking out like guys do not even touch street furniture or bed bugs will ruin your life.

Do you think that peoples fears reflect their personality or what? For example are people who are afraid of heights like, I dunno wimps and losers? Probably... I am afraid of bugs ruining my life and elevators and escalators. Well they just make me freak out kind of. I can't stand when people just stand on the escalator in front of me I sort of panic because I feel trapped behind them and their lazyness. It's a claustrophobia thing. Also God, I am such a loser. A few weeks ago I went and watched that Benjamin Button movie by myself and I cried a million times in it. I cried during a preview, seriously that is why I mostly just watch comedies because I am too much of a nutcase to watch anything else. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah, I was at the scotia bank theatre which has these crazy long escalators and stairs.

There is picture of it looking down from google image search. So the movie is over and it is this real epic of an epic hollywood film that you watch and cry and get in a lets contemplate life type mood in when you watch it, but at the same time there are lots dumb hollywood type things in it that make you feel embarrassed that you are contemplating life. The whole story about Benjamin is this huge drama that is read by some woman to her dying mom in the hospital and just because I dunno they are worried that it won't be dramatic enough they also make that whole reading take place DURING HURRICANE KATRINA. Fuck also whenever someone dies apparently a CGI hummingbird shows up to carry their soul to heaven or some shit. Ugh, yeah anyway it had a bunch of dumb shit in it so you are double contemplating your own life and also the fact that we are easily affected by dumb things. I'm not sure how to describe it. ANYWAY, after the movie I was in this weird mood and I was walking down the stairs all by myself and everyone else was with other people, just standing on the escalator and I kept feeling like it was this huge analogy for my life or something. I dunno I just felt like, ugh basically we are going downhill but atleast I am noticing that we are going downhill and am moving myself there. I felt like everyone is contented to just do nothing because they have friends or boyfriends or whatever. There was some sort of sci-fi mixed in there too on account of the whole futuristic look of the place. Anyway whatever I am a loser and just always think that things are other things and then can't explain it very well. I am also really superstitious about escalators now on top of already hating them I feel like if I ever ride that escalator I will lose my own personal agency.

Fuck.

Monster Birth

2009-02-25T00:24:00.000-08:00

umm, are pictures like this why I don't have a boyfriend?

I am pretty interested in the octo-mom. Whoa some people do weird things with their lives anyway bye.

Peter Out

2009-02-23T09:01:00.000-08:00

Hi I got a marker. I need to quit drinking because I'm fat and broke. So I dunno, I'm gonna go into the cycle where I whine for people to play cribbage with me. I lost part of the mini apartment building somewhere- on the bus? at Mcdonalds at 4 in the morning? I don't know but I am sad about it and I had a book in there that I am half way finished too and now I am going to have to buy it agin. Okay I am calling the ttc right now. They don't have it.

jello shooters

2009-02-22T01:47:00.000-08:00

birthday party

2009-02-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

humpty frumpty

2009-02-19T22:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry no time to talk I need to build a miniature apartment building.

validation

2009-02-19T01:42:00.000-08:00

Do you guys want me to start dumping my corel paint stuff somewhere else or what?

word awards

2009-02-18T00:56:00.000-08:00

mall stories

2009-02-17T23:58:00.000-08:00

what's up with all the intimacy in here?

2009-02-17T21:19:00.000-08:00

I love graphic novels now. I burned through two of them yesterday and I want to buy more but I am pretty broke. The one I read before I went to bed last night was called city of glass and it was really good. The drawings were really clever and I dunno there is something neat about drawings and words together that you can make sort of funny jokes and references, and I like it. The book was about this writer who was pretending to be a detective and he was stalking this guy who was trying to reinvent or rediscover language because he thought before we were cast out of eden words meant more; what they meant they got severed from their meanings afterwards. It is sort of hard to describe I guess. There is just something about stories and illustrations that makes me think of things in a weird way and also I can't even understand it exactly- I do not even know why I think of certain things or why some thoughts make sense to me. That is sort of what was interesting about the book because it made you sort think in way that is not really just words or pictures so you are reading a book about a language that is supposed to be perfect and you are sort of reading it in language you sort of understand but sort of don't.

I suppose that was not the most interesting paragraph to read. I would really like to learn to draw better- I mean I think I really want to illustrate more than just make paintings or whatever but I am not especially strong at drawing. I guess I am not especially strong at painting either bler blah whatever. I guess it is dumb to say I am not very good at this so I won't do it especially if you are not particularly gifted at anything else either.

I am in a bit of a weird phase lately where I am like oh I think I might end up being a loner bush woman- that is not to say that in a oh no doom prophecy! I just mean I am like uh-oh I think I am rejecting society. umm haha at myself for saying that.

Where do you go my lovely? Where do you go? I wanna know oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.

2009-02-15T13:57:00.000-08:00

Amanda is here and she wants me to say that we are going to a fun show tonight. I am hanging out in the dark listening to my neighbour listen to the radio. I had a dream that he showed up at my door naked in the middle of the night and for the rest of my sleep I kept kind of waking up and worrying that it wasn't a dream- that he had been here.

Some girl on her valentines date puked all over the bathroom last night at the club and I got to clean it up. Umm haha at that...

Umm, I dont really feel like writing too much right now...

bye.

get your tits and mysteries right here

2009-02-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

I am in a slightly better mood today-not exactly but sort of. Umm I'd stay and chat but I guess I need to wake up 4 hours oops. Sorry that this is just such an assault of corel paint pointlessness.

sticky dumb human traps

2009-02-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk today and took some boring pictures to show you guys Toronto. Mostly I went to buy groceries and investigate the popularity of boners in pop culture style art stuffs. I guess they are pretty popular. It sorta depressed me. I just find the world to be so dumb like oh all of the sudden we all are interested in boners or whatever. I just mean I find it so boring how minds will all go towards the same thing at the same time. Its just ugh trends they are so ugh, why do they exist? I find them so depressing like they are just signs that we are all lame and can't think for ourselves.

I went to this artist flea market thing which just sort of makes you feel like ugh, what am I doing with life wanting to be an artist? It is just people hanging out trying to sell you buttons and cards and quaint little items-stuff I might see myself making but I dunno what is the point? What is the point of making little quaint drawings and cards and then just being poor and trying to sell them to people. I mean I never buy that type of stuff really because-who needs it?

These two cultural cliches were trying to hard sell me on some little book of drawings. The guy was like insisting how I would be buying myself a whole bunch of new friends and I guess in my head I am like umm I do not need to be friends with anymore drawings thanks. Also he was like THEY ARE PSYCHIC VAMPIRES and my reaction to that is BOOORING psychic vampires are all the rage, who cares you are not interesting. I asked if i could take their picture while they were trying to force their junk on me and he didn't answer so I just went for it. Anyway, it is pretty good picture to have because now I can prove that I was not lying when I explained before about what Toronto is like. It just drives me nuts to think of those guys pulling on their moustache corners and putting on their dumb animal tops and looking at themselves in the mirror and thinking to themselves that they are really fascinating people. If you want to be an artist the first step is probably learning to notice things I dunno how to explain it.

Art galleries are a little depressing too- I just find that world depressing because the only people who buy art are rich and it is just this hoo haa exclusive boring world of rich people who want to buy themselves an interesting self image by collecting art. Maybe not all of them but a lot them- I mean you can hear the workers in the gallery flattering people for their "taste".

I'm seeing the world especially dark right now just because of the art galleries I suppose and then I did comedy tonight and it blew and I cried.

I don't know what to do to feel happy about stuff I mean maybe I should become mother theresa and help other people. I think that is what you are supposed to do when you feel like your life is miserable pile of shit, help people with shittier lives and better attitudes.

Anyway I have to study I am sure that I will moan on about the pointlessness of life some more in a few days so don't forget to come back and hear about it.

Important Facts About Pregnancy

2009-02-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Do not listen to P!NK when you are pregnant or else your baby will come out boner first and it will be creepy.

Medical Warning.

....and this is a little fucked even for me.

bye

don't forget your camel humps

2009-02-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

"Artistic" boners anyone?

I bet there is some weird guy somewhere that gizzes on stuff and then and then calls it art.

Actually I just investigated and the only thing I can find really is a joke article about ejaculate art. Whatever I'm sure it happens.

I hate joke news/not-even-jokes-just-fake news. I don't understand why it is such a popular thing. Ugh. When I lived with Dave he had this book of the onion that was fake news articles and it kind of drove me crazy. It would be in the bathroom and you would think okay I am gonna read this while I have a dump, which really-keep me occupied or distracted while I have a dump type reading is not highly demanding of quality, but still the thing was so fucking boring that I couldn't even like stand to be trapped in the bathroom with it. I mean I am pretty sure that it prevented me from pooping because I would kind of tense up if I tried to read it because then you are just like christ I just got shot with the boredom gun.

I am still working on printing this effing blog off and I am at a pretty boring part of it- there is a couple okay things but mostly I just had writers block and was obsessed with that miniature suitcase and it is just boredom barf. Most things usually feel like boredom barf coming out but sometimes in retrospect you like it more.

I am supposed to be sewing this cube thing for school but I am having a hard time getting into it. It is one of lame art projects that I am like haha I will do this dumb thing and then never do only now that I am school I have to do some them sometime or think of a real art project so I just do that.

Also I think I should not talk about dumb art projects because that is another theme in the large boring phase of writing-I think my brain just got stck in a loop of thinking about them and the mini suitcase and getting baptised. Ugh, when I was obsessed with a minitiature suitcase should not be a phrase best describes a period of my life.

the stalls

2009-02-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

bler blah blah

What do you do to stop stalling from work? I think I might ask that all the time and no one ever answers...

YOu know when you dream I guess maybe but it does not feel like a dream? When you are in the place you are and you can feel and hear things in a more physical way than dreaming? I don't even know how to describe it really.I guess it is more like being being sort of paralyzed and hallucinating. Anyway I felt a cat crawl in bed with me this morning and breathe on my face and somebody massaging my feet. I was kinda freaked out because I couldnt really move or see that well but then I dunno I figured maybe Westly died and came to hang out with me or something. Anyway I might have an ex-cat ghost boyfriend which is pretty much cool with me. I heard music too, god that always drives me crazy why I can write music but only in my dreams.

This is me stalling. Flash drives me a little crazy.

stick to your puns

2009-02-01T00:31:00.000-08:00

Umm, can this count as a learning disability yet? I can't do my homework, I am supposed to be doing my flash project but then I am like you know what is more immediatly satisfying than this? drawing boners. Also I am debating how I can somehow make a statement using boners like ugh I dunno just basically I keep wanting to incorporate boners into my school projects so that I will be more into them. Also though if I do that I will get a rep as being the boner obsessed girl. Whatever, I can handle that rep I suppose. The other thing is though, that I am sort of afraid to even share all my boner ideas in school because then I feel like people will steal my idea and boners will be the new unicorn or owl or tiny cute bird, you know-culturally cliche. I think they are still in their own fortress of bonerdom like I mean images of boners are not mass marketed as of yet and I don't want to get to a day where they really are. Anyway speaking of cliche animals I figured out that bears are turning into the new wolves.

a duck is just a rat with feathers and wings and a beak and a few other differences, none of which are major

2009-01-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

I wrote this thing last night about how I was talking with Evans about sandwiches that come in the spinny machine and how they inspired other dimension fantasies in me and he is of the mindset that most people are content to eat spinny sandwiches and only smart people are like ugh, this is fucking depressing. I dunno, I mean probably the smart thing to do would be would be to adopt a god grant me the serenity to accept spinny sandwiches and the courage to act like a normal person long enough to get laid, and the wisdom to ummm know that, I can get laid, but not by fantasizing about busting out to another dimension when I see the spinny sandwhich machine attitude about it.

I am waiting for Jess to call me. I am sort of all ready and I have my boots on because they are new and I want to get out of the house. Also me and my real grandson are in a fight and Oh my God when is roast night Nick? I am coming back to Ottawa and this time I will actually have something prepared to say and I can't wait.

Ugh I am printing off my entire blog lately so that I can just read it all and look for things that make me laugh. I was hanging out with paper and glue for probably 5 hours the other day and it made me feel like a teenager again because all I used to do was write weird letters with all these games and jokes inside them and make my zine and make this collage book thing that I guess was sort of like a blog but more of teenager version of an art style one. I was crazy for that book I took it with me everywhere and then when I lived in a tent one summer it got all wet and some pages got moldy. I think I was pretty sad about it at the time but afterwards I just felt like, ugh what is this anyway? is this a short poem about my trashy ex boyfriend that is supposed to be all magical and meaningful? yes I think it is. God being a teenager is so dumb.

My hair smells really good. I should be making a flash animation that is due next week but I am lazy and it just seems like so much work.

The Last Brunch.

2009-01-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

Ugh, can winter be over yet? I had some sort of mental breakdown a few days ago where I was like NOOOO I WILL DIE ALONE IN A PILE OF BONER DRAWINGS! and then I cried for 24 hours and Jess bought me tulips at the all night grocery store. I am over it now I guess but I am still going through a phase of hating being a girl sort of. I am learning about semiotics in school and I love it. That's all I have to say right now.

a tutu made of tiny lights

2009-01-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

New guy. I have a million things to do today. Okay well maybe not a million- maybe 5 or 6. Anyway I am going to go write them down and then think about doing them under my covers. Bye.

pouncing is what cats do.

2009-01-20T14:55:00.000-08:00

I don't have time to write here is your picture for the day.

a million melons

2009-01-19T22:19:00.000-08:00

Hey Guys. Oh my God I got Adobe almsot everything and a writing tablet today. Writing tablets are awesome, everyone should get one.

It is your lucky year because that means I will probably draw a man with three boners all year. I may even have to change the year from woman and children to year of the man with three boners. Are you excited? Whatever I am fucking excited. Everybody has to start reading my blog again I decided that I missed it.

p.s. I get that you guys are probably sick of me saying boners all the time but it is one of my favourite words to say and also maybe I am going for, you know, way overdoing it comedy.

handsome and gretel

2009-01-18T15:14:00.000-08:00

Me, Camille and Al Lubel went to the CN Tower today. It was pretty funny. Al Lubel is pretty funny because he just somehow fails to retain a lot of basic information in life so he will always ask you about every day things like what is a monster truck? or lip balm? We all jumped a little bit on the glass floor and it was fun. Al laughed like a little girl.

Last night I went out to a dance club. Oh my God. I always feel like some sort biased and unethical cultural anthropologist when I am out in the world but last night was that feeling times ten. First of all if you go to a nightclub in Toronto, did you know that they search you for weapons? I suppose it makes sense but I am such a small town grandma that I was like whoa... this is intense. Anyway, none of the girls wear any pants or skirts or even high slutty winter boots. They just wear pumps and long shirts and sometimes wacky fleur de lis tights. Also if you are not a native to the scene and you feel a little drunk before you walk in you will feel instantly sober when you walk in, nightclubs are cold showers for your mind or something. Everybody walks around super trashed and I dunno they just reminded me of meat zombies. They had these funny platforms with stripper poles in the center of them but the poles don't go all the way up to the top. Plus there are no real strippers just a bunch of drunk girls whose shirt dresses keep riding up their ass that are desperate to get a chance to dance with the pole so there is usually eight of them circling the thing; grinding their way around it so that it looks kind of like a stripper pole and maypole had a baby.

Anyways, obviously I have to deal with situations like this by turning into the most obnoxious person in the world. I think that is some sort of sanity protective measure of mine like the crazier my environment is, the crazier I present myself to the environment, so atleast it is not just me sitting there feeling that they are crazy but more of a mutual relationship. At any rate I somehow managed to get the pole platform to myself and I just did these weird violent jumping jacks and bunny hops around it for five minutes after which point in time I was too tired to fight off the crowds of eager pole dancers. It was fun while it lasted. Too bad my friends were in the bathroom and missed out on my hilarity. Also, I attracted one fan, or well one guy that probably wanted to sleep with me or whatever. I just enjoy the fact that he is last chancing it on getting with the fucking nutto dance floor solo jumping jacker. I didn't talk to him obviously. All of the guys there wear button up shirts in case you are wondering which is pretty funny because who wants to sleep with a guy in a button up shirt? Ugh, if you sleep with a guy in a button up shirt there is a pretty good chance that he will sleep in his shirt unbuttoned and in the morning you will just see this dude with his corney shirt all unbuttoned laying next to you in bed and then you will want to kill yourself. I know how things work people.

There was this guy and girl who were dancing together and he was fingering her while they were dancing, like he was in behind her with his hand wrapped around her front up her shirt-dress fingering her. I walked right in front of them to confirm that it was real fingering , took a good look down and then looked the guy in the eye and gave him a thumbs up. He made a face that is probably the best face I will ever see in my life- it was this kind of angry indignation face, it's really hard to describe- I mean it was the face of a guy who is sour that some girl is giving him a thumbs up when he is trying to finger a girl in a public place. If aliens ever came to me and asked me to show them a face that describes the state of humanity I would probably have to show them that face.

Another thing I wanted to tell you guys about my adventures in the nightclub is that I found out there is a song that is called cock champagne. I love the way that it just really makes no sense, that they just picked a sex word and a cheesy faux wealth assosiation word and stuck them together because that is what appeals to goons. Also I spent a lot of time thinking about the words cock champagne, I guess maybe you are supposed to think of umm delicious valuable bubbly cum exploding out of a cock like champagne out of bottle? At any rate if you spend long enough perusing the rolodex of possible mental imagery that those two words create, eventually you will come across a vision of a tray full of champagne flutes; each one of them filled with a severed softie whose little deflated cyclops heads just kind of stare up at you forlornly.

Also for some reason inside a night club it is every girls birthday. The dj was announcing 2 or 3 happy birthdays between every song.

G'night!

Check. Mate. Abort.

2009-01-13T14:43:00.000-08:00

Umm whatever. I am going to learn flash and adobe illustrator and make boring things. I have a new hobby it is wearing a head scarf in public but nobody buys it that I am muslim I don't think because I am white and my bangs show.

alpha beta soup

2009-01-10T14:32:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I already made one of my teachers hate me I think. It is because she is a conceptual artist and the first day she made us watch this video of John Cage. It is performance art where some guy pretends he is gonna play the piano but he doesn't and you are supposed to sit there and have all these deep thoughts about silence or white noise or whatever. Anyway, I said it was stupid and reminded me of the emperors news clothes and she said I didn't get it and I said no it's not that I don't get it. Fuuuuck it made me mad for some reason. I'm sorry but who cares about shit like this? Dumb people that are like whoa NOT playing a piano is fucking mindblowing.

Ugh, we have to make a moving sculpture in her class and I kind of want to make a big white cube that just says "think about it" and hang it from the ceiling like a punching bag and let people beat it with baseball bat or something. I don't even know if that will get me in trouble or not.

God shitty pretentious art fills me with rage.

Anyway, if you want to watch something real interesting instead of fake pretentious interesting you can watch these Cab Calloway/ Betty Boop videos.

Legna Dwel Eht

2009-01-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

I didn't win the lottery. I decided to name this year of women and children first. I don't really know what it means. Maybe that I will date only women and children. Okay young men. Maybe instead of that I will hold the door for women and children or just umm generally be chivalrous. I dunno.

Ugh I am sick of looking at this blog.

I think I might have gotten ripped off by the lady at the hooked mat store because I just realised how little linen I got for much money.

insert oversized shrug here.

I had my first back to school class and my teacher seems pretty instense and she has one of those funny bodies like she has these really narrow hips and no ass really, like it looks like maybe she has wooden legs under her pants type of thing.

Today this homeless guy that I walk by all the time grabbed me and I dunno he thought I was Liv Tyler and he was like following me kind of and yelling at me like BE SAFE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! and a whole bunch of Live Tyler related stuff. God I get hit on by homeless guys a lot. I am Snow White to them.

I got my comic software installed. Bler blah blah.

Am I fucking void of thought? I just wow, I sometimes wonder like what happened to umm my thoughts? Do I even think about anything anymore? Do other people feel like that? How can I be so utterly sick of every possible kind of symbol in my head. Bored of it all really I think.

Actually here is what I keep thinking about. I keep thinking about stories cracking open. I don't know if I am just trying to figure out a word for what I mean or what but I keep holding onto imaginary coconuts and cracking them against my knee when I walk and imagining all these secrets spilling out of them. I keep thinking about stories that feel like that and how they are my favourite. I am obsessing about comedy again but still just don't feel funny and am doing horrible at it. I feel like I am in junior high again at the lunch room room when I go to comedy shows I am just this awkward like uhhh I have nowhere to sit girl and avoiding eye contact of everyone that I sort of know because I feel like too uncomfortable to talk to anyone.

I think about art a lot and I worry about getting sick of it or I worry that I dont even like to do it. Also though maybe that is dumb thing to think because I do. I am just less ambitious than I would like to be with everything.

I think about bed sheets like waves. I picture characters from the past washing up in my bed. I picture them like dead bloated bodies that come alive and are like "oooo sexy panties". I mean it is a pretty funny idea in my head but I can't quite figure out how to put the same idea in anyone elses head.

I am also thinking a lot about Monsanto since I watched a documentary on it. It kind of really scares me I feel like we are in a science fiction world, where people are just inventing all these new plants and then owning them and then taking over the world with them and just ugh owning things that shouldn't be owned.

little john

2008-12-23T11:30:00.000-08:00

I wrote an essay on hooked mats and did a big presentation on them, okay well a non-big presentation. Anyway, I am obsessed with hooked mats and I made a website for my presentation. It's here.

Sigh.

Then I got to see some of the mats I had referenced. In person. Meeting that beaver mat was like a celebrity encounter for me. Anyway, vacation is pretty fun except for the fact that I gained ten pounds or whatever. Oh my god I have such a burning desire to be a folk artist except I don't want to have to drop out of school to do it.

the proof is in the pudding. LIFES PUDDING.

2008-12-19T23:04:00.000-08:00

I had my birthday party. It had a theme which was was conjoined twins. Umm also I hope I dont get punished by being reborn as one but seriously I was celebrating the joy of twindom. The busdrivers are on strike in Ottawa and it freezing and I have no money so I can't really afford to do anything. Also I hate OC transpo now even more than I did before. Ugh.

I think that is maybe the same thing that I told you last time. Whatever it still counts. I am gross all day hungover eating and not showering. Who wants to be my friend. I am getting addicted to Zuma again too.

Also I took all these pictures in the past few days and I am like whoa I am pretty happy. I can tell in the pictures haha.

ex-mass

2008-12-16T20:49:00.000-08:00

Oh I found the spirit of Christmas guys. You can stop looking for it.

God somebody get this sign some new feet that are less hairy. Sicks me out everytime I walk by it.

I am in Ottawa now but the buses arent running so I am stuck home. boo

In other news I got a new computer. Brand new and super nice. Double dual processors weeeeeee.......

peel peel peel

2008-12-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

I hunted banana peels for fun the other day. ungh.

I am starting to think something is wrong with me maybe. Like some of my opinions are based on who knows what- daydreams and then every now and then I am like uhhh whoa reality- what the fuck?

Whatever that was the worst sentence ever. I can't write much that is not too personal to write maybe. I smoked pot last night. Ugh I am not good at that. I just get this really sneaky feeling and then I turn obsessed with umm gender categorizing everything and also I dunno. Here are some games I made up last night.

Find a word concept that you can physically point to in alphabetical order.

Flip a coin and if you guess right you win twenty five cents.

Put this word into a gender category.

I was thinking about in Persepolis when she has the boyfriend and how she sees him when she feels in love with him and then after when they break up. That was the best part of that movie I think. I dunno, I think I am like that with people all the time just all over the place and I can't even understand it. I was thinking maybe that is a more female thing-maybe men have more constant views but maybe not. Maybe that is why women are more no no no about certain things because it changes the faces that they see.

bridge troll toll

2008-12-10T20:42:00.000-08:00

I am reading half my blog tonight. I think I am going to print it all off and goldmine it for jokes. I need to start stand up again. I am so nervous about it. I just have this weird love-hate thing going on for it. I am supposed to be studying but umm whatever. I'm not. Nick is supposed to call me on his walk home from work but I am thinking maybe he forgot or maybe he got a drive or got drunk because he is depressed about the bus drivers being on strike.

Okay, sometimes, I mean, sometimes I am pretty funny in re-reading my blog I am like oh nice but at other times I get this weird feeling looking back at my writing about my life. I feel like my brain is just this desert and there is just the occasional giant tiger bag swirling across it instead of a tumbleweed type thing. Like my thought vocabulary is limited and strange.

I have a new pretend grandson now. Oh man tho, I am extra effing crazy about this one. I almost can't even handle pretending to be his grandma because I want him so bad. Anyway he has a girlfriend so I guess grandma is just gonna have to get over it, ungh.

Agh, I want Nick to call I have so nervous energy right now. I danced around my room a lot today. Ooo and I cleaned house too. I think I am going to do some cooking this week for Christmas spirit, maybe some cookies for our party at work and chili for whoever wants to be my friend.

My speakers weren't working for a month and then today I think I just somehow willed them to work. I have been going crazy without music especially since my neighbour is getting crazier all the time. His new thing is that he thinks he is in the mob or something and he is constantly in the middle of some deal gone wrong, like he is yelling out "WHERE IS THE FUCKING MONEY?!?!?!" all the time and "WHY DID I COME DOWN HERE IF YOU DIDN'T BRING THE FUCKING MONEY?!?!?!" He is also getting pretty violent; I think he was outside beating on the fence? the other night, and this morning he was angrily slamming the lids of the garbage cans over and over. If he is not living out the weird mobster fantasy he is usually listening to rock radio really loud and singing along. I don't know what to do about it. Tell the landlord I guess, but what is he gonna do about it? Plus I feel bad for the guy because as much I hate listening to him play out this weird mobster fantasy over and over I know it must be worse to be the one stuck in it. I wish this blog had sound because I can do a pretty good impression of when he says "WHERE IS THE FUCKING MONEY?!?"

sparrows can spot an eyeball from miles away

2008-12-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Hi, I have no power or water. I think God is taking me up on my desire for no modern conveniences. God is extremely interested in teaching me to be careful what I wish for. I think I am going to go the gym to shower, and work out I guess. I always just want to go there to use the showers but feel like people would find that creepy.

Umm whatever. I have all this energy but I do not want to leave the library because it is cold outside and I have no power at home. Also someone should travel back in time and write a 80's movie about having energy in the library wait they already did it is called the breakfast club. Well, energy and emotionally poignant moments. I don't even know if you can say emotionally poignant. Is it redundant? bler bler bler

Some other boring things I could talk about are coke zero and my stinky armpits.

I think you're a hit Melissa.

2008-11-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

Guess who is supposed to be writing an essay right now?

Ugh. I am in school on a Saturday and someone is playing soul music down the hall and I forgot my knapsack full of books and notes at someones house that I don't really know very well. I am hating soul music so much right now. It sounds like music for a gore sequence in a movie. I feel so ultra useless I was going to at least take out some more books but it turns out that I do not have my wallet so basically I stalled all day to walk here and do nothing. I wish I could turn into a bear for the winter. Animorphing is the best power ever, fuck flying, fuck x-ray vision, fuck invisibility. Also I dunno, best excuse for everything possible is sorry I turned into a bear. Sorry, I am filming an art film about a bear that just loses her fucking mind when she hears jackasses listening to soul music and she goes on a rampage because she can smell them from miles away or whatever.

Okay the music stopped. I guess that is the power of positive thinking.

One of my essays is on hooked mats and I am super into it. I even made up an idea. I know.

My other essay is about porcelain specifically this one piece and let me tell you it is boring with a bore.

I talk like a granny now. I keep using all these nerdy expressions.

I was half ass shopping on my way up here because I was stalling but ugh it just- stores make me cranky they are loud and there is so much commotion and crappy christmas songs and people were REALLY talkative today. Maybe it is district manager day or something because people are walking up to everyone like HELLO DO YOU NEED TO SPEND 40 DOLLARS ON TEA FOR CHRISTMAS??? and I kept just sort of running away. Stupid.

Also someone working at a wal mart in the states who was opening up the doors for a big sale got trampled, trampled to death, by people going in for the big sale. The story is here.

In case you too effing lazy to go read it I have attached the picture they attached to it. Not the same store but still I think it is important to see an overweight woman in a m&ms jacket running into a wal-mart at 5am. Ugh, in some ways I am kind of hoping for a recession.

I used to go to these "midnight madness" balloon drops at Zellers. I think that they dropped the balloons at 9 tho because it was mostly old ladies who liked to go to them but they could get a little vicious like no trampling but definately toe stepping and grabbing. The grandmas would take grandchildren there so that the kids could be like little servant balloon grabbers and kinda do the grandmas dirty work of being pushy and grabby. Ugh, this is kinda harsh but that is why I want to be a grandma it is pretty much like having slave labour at your disposal.

One more thing sorry. Umm, okay I am reading the news and commenting on it sorry. The title of this article is "Dead raccoons used to vandalise New Brunswick home" and when I read it I thought it meant used to as in they used to do that so I was like whoa what the hell GHOST RACCOON HAUNTING but yeah it's not that. I was taking the recycling out the other day and someone had thrown a dead raccoon in there. It scared the hell out of me and now I am afraid of the recycling bin. Did I tell you guys that already?

qwerty

2008-11-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

You know when you are basically sitting around waiting for someone to call or waiting to be ditched? Ugh . That is me right now and I have one of those cartoon thermometers inside me and the red paper is inching up the scale to full blown outright pissed off with every minute that the phone call I am waiting for it overdue.

Christ.

I hate that.

I can't write about anything else right now. I guess I am going to have a bathroom break.

chuckle till you buckle

2008-11-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

Collage!

Actually two days ago I had a personal motto of I'm not doing any more fucking collage but today I liked it. Ugh, yesterday I had to do abstract collage AKA glue garbage party.

Okay sorry but I need to vent about something else. There is this girl I know on my facebook who is my age and she is obsessed with Britney Spears. She has this Britney Spears group and she adds pictures of Britney Spears to it EVERY DAY. I am not kidding she has been doing this for well over a year now. There are thousands of pictures of Britney Spears in her group. The girl is nice enough and everything but just GAWD. It is so hard not to be like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG IS WITH YOU? HOW ARE YOU NOT BORED OF THIS YET?

Sorry I do not even have anything funny to say about it-it is just always in my newsfeed thing and it just baffles the hell out of me. Jill-do you know anything about this? Do you see this woman ever?

Also have I talked about that before?

Winter is making me thirsty and depressed sort of. Well just mildly depressed but I am thirsty all the time. Especially for love. Umm that is a joke. Actually I am the opposite of that, like I feel like having a boyfriend or a husband is like having to carry a knapsack full of dog poo for the rest of your life but oh my god sometimes the knapsack hugs you or whatever.

whatever this is boring sorry bye

crawl into the garbage bag and tie it up, we will let you out when we are in a new land where you can be a taxi or work at canadian tire

2008-11-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

Hi

If you need to find me I am in the library having a fucking panic attack about school. Everytime I think about finishing my essay I feel like I am going to puke or cry. I feel like I am going to fail because I can't write these stupid things. Also fuck university- sorry but what is the point of writing for no audience. How many hours have people spent writing essays that only their teachers read? How many people even move on to have an audience for their writing after school? I hate that universities are so self obsessed. Writing research essays about subjects I have no opinion on will not make me a better writer unless I was born with nothing to say. I feel like it is big excersize of not giving a shit, just here waste your energy and words in our little club. Probaby this makes no sense to anyone else and I am un-proving my own point by not being clear.

I feel depressed for academics who finish school and then get out and are totally unconnected to the rest of the world. It is like your ten year game is over and now what? They should be giving out conch shells at graduations instead of degrees.

My mom told me to just hold my breath and finish my essay. I think I might try it.

Oh okay. I am doing some umm paint therapy umm hahaha. Also Oh I suck at Adobe Illustrator. Sorry this is not up to my high ms paint standards.

OK I am going to try out not caring bye.

zellers lingerie

2008-11-07T01:51:00.000-08:00

I made friends with the note taker in my class today. It was pretty nice I guess and he took me grocery shopping umm haha and we both bought some super saver toilet paper. True story. Also I got to ask who they take notes for and I guess it is for anonymous people with learning disabilities who want people to take notes for them. I guess this means I will have to dedicate my years at OCAD into discovering who has learning disabilities by making charts of all the people in my classes and figuring out the common people in each class, but I suppose that wouldn't necessarily work since obviously I would be in all the same classes as them too and the notetaker is not for me. Also I should been like "I have a secret, the notes are for me" and then cried and tried to convince him to write secret notes in his notes and send them to me and it would be absolutely scandalous.

In other news I dunno. Those are just some of my go to phrases. My computer chair sucks. I really liked it first. I guess thats just a sign of the times changing. I am super pumped about Obama I made two friends one new immigrant older man and one teenage kid on the subway. Okay I guess we are not friends in the sense that they are going to call me and ask to hang out but more friends in the sense that I sat next to them when I was drunk and talked about Obama being elected with them and they didn't run away from me. Lately I have been really making an effort to talk about race with black people because I realized that I was sort of scared to do that before and that I should un-scare myself about it.

I have to go to bed. This is me reminding myself to write more and buy a printer.

your xyz's

2008-10-22T03:45:00.000-07:00

I have fucking insomnia it is driving me crazy. I am going to buy some melatonin tomorrow. Maybe I will also hunt down my stash of supposedly super powered sleeping pills tomorrow too; by tomorrow I mean tonight since it is already 7 o'clock in the morning and i haven't been able to get to sleep. I have two classes today and now I don't think I can go to sleep even if I could because I am afraid that I won't wake up. I am pretty sure that I found a dead cockroach in my house. I was pretty sure that I killed one three or four weeks ago but I never saw anymore after that until today I think. I am actually super clean now. I am thinking that my crazy neighbour lives in filth though because he always smells bad and whatever is crazy and has no job and yells at imaginary intruders in the middle of the night. Anyway I partially can't sleep because I am afraid of cockroaches, like I am afraid of having them and never being able to get rid of them. They can move into your stuff and go with you everywhere. I'm also afraid of them crawling in my bed.

There are also a bunch of other things stressing me out and keeping me up. I dunno I have been fucked up for a while now. I got to sleep before two on Sunday and thought that I was cured of this but I guess I am not. I am also feeling pretty pessimistic like ugh, what is the point of anything.

Oh I just published this and then I thought of something positive to say. I really love borders, like on a drawing. I love peeling off tape and seeing nice clean paper underneath next to messy paper. That is like my favourite part of drawings I think or maybe just crappy drawings because even if a drawing is crappy the border will still be good. I don't know why but that is super satisfying to me. I could probably make some sort of gay concept art exhibit about it. Dear God, I probably will, by the time I am finished art school I will be brainwashed into thinking that concept is everything. Wow I have seen some shit art in critiques. Like basically people just not doing the assignment and then writing full page explanations of how whatever piece of crap they have is this big world concept that validates it somehow as a piece of visual art. Did you know that if you glue a bicycle streamer to some cardboard that you painted black in the middle that is represents how society doesn't like art anymore? The black is like a black hole that is swallowing up all the colour in the world. God it is hard not to be like umm maybe society doesn't like art anymore because too many people just glue bicycle streamers to cardboard.

Wild night on asshole ridge.

2008-10-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

I's true. I am giving myself dyslexia. When I doodle, I often end up writing backwards for whatever reason and now that I am in school I am doodling an aweful lot. So I am medium good at mirror writing and medium what the fuck-why can't I remember what a lower case b looks like?? in regular writing.

Ugh. In other news, it is too bad I do not have perfect skin and teeth and weigh 20 puonds less or else I would be able to play "chubby" Kim.

Goliath vs Goliath

2008-10-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am medium going crazy because of my computer. All day I have been trying to work on this dumb proposal for this dumb essay that I hate the subject of and I am trying to research scholarly journals online but the browsers keep being like OH MY GOD I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE and shutting down. I'm sorry but that is dumb and dumb to have to explain to a teacher how fucking much that sucks like imagine you are at the library trying to do some research and everytime you find a book that might be good and open it-it takes off like flies out of your hands and goes and finds its place in the dewey decimal system. How very Harry Potter.

ANYWAY. I hate my stupid subject and I can't find any material about it. Strange. Being in school, or maybe that combined with other factors has made me kind of more interested in things but also less interesting at the same time. What I mean is that I feel like I have nothing to say. I am not really the type of person to bother to talk or think about politics just because, why bother, I feel like it is something out my control blurgh...but lately I have been thinking about it more.

People keep making fun of Sarah Palin so I looked her up on youtube the other day and I just was watching this speech that she gave when she first got introduced as the running mate at some republican convention. It just spooked me because the audience just goes bananas over the strangest shit. They are so fanatic for averageness in their leaders which makes no sense.

In general I am just thinking about how we are really part of a great empire, or what was a great empire. I mean we are living in something that is going downhill, we are here for the fall and it is kind of scary because how far are we gonna fall? I don't really talk about this sort of thing because who wants to read THINK ABOUT IT when you already think about it.

Thinking about things is also spreading to everything and I sort of feel overwhelmed in a way by things that I feel like I should know about. It is pretty amazing that people manage to become experts on things because there are too many things to become experts on like, one on hand I can sort of give myself a mini anxiety attack that I am not BECOMING AN ASTRONAUT but on the other hand if I were actually trying to become an astronaut I would be freaking out about all the other stuff that I wasn't doing or knowing about. So I buy dried mangoes and walk home with a bloated belly and call my ex boyfriend and leave messages that don't really say a whole lot and wonder about how long I can keep doing this.

He doesn't mind in case you are wondering.

I wanted to tell you to go to the textile museum because the exhibit that they have on is very interesting. They have a bunch of "war rugs" from Afghanistan. Umm it is rugs that people made that have war themes, or hidden weapons in the regular rugs themes...umm google it. It's more interesting to see for yourself.

My neighbour is quiet tonight. My neighbour is the new wind. I will keep you updated.

give this guy all your money

2008-10-05T00:51:00.000-07:00

I find this picture pretty hilarious because I guess that is my face that I make when I am caught being sort of crazy. Don't worry guys, even though it's Nuit Blanche I am still the best piece of art on Queen street.

Anyway, I had to work and I am tired now. I think this night is making my crazy neighbour crazier.

If you live in Toronto go to the textile museum. I will tell you more about stuff tomorrow maybe. My computer is being super super slow. Plus I am crazy tired.

strangers with hot dogs

2008-09-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

Alright, I am already embarrassed of my essay so I am posting again to un-top page it. I can't even force myself to read it. Whatever I am just proud of myself for writing something and handing it on time.

I was carrying my books around on the way back from school and I was stopped at this crosswalk and there was this gang of guys yelling like OOOOO library and I guess they were making fun of me for having books because one of them came right up to me and was like ummm, are you coming from the library???? and I said no and he goes cus you have those books. Anyway, the guy was carrying a hot dog and I regretted not saying HEY, ARE YOU COMING FROM THE HOT DOG STAND??? Anyway, it is pretty awesome to get made fun of for carrying books. I dunno, I felt kinda proud like wow, obviously I am so good at school that I am basically being called a nerd by strangers on the street.

Also when I was walking home there was this other guy who kind of walking like the same pace as me right next to me and then I kinda looked at him and sorta hurried up so that we wouldn't just be walking awkward side by side and then he kinda started to laugh and I dunno we kept on just ended up walking the same pace and trying to get away from each other and it was kinda funny awkward and when he went into a store he turned around to look at me and I waved and said good bye.

Okay later on I will talk about my crazy neighbour.

peanut butter mine

2008-09-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

Duuuuuude.....I finished my essay. OMG I am so proud of myself. Here it is if you want to read it but do not make fun of me or critisize it cus I will cry.

There is a well known saying on Prince Edward Island that an Islander always comes home. There is truth in this saying. People move away for the same reasons that anyone leaves their small hometown; education, employment and social opportunities are limited. However the reasons that we feel an ache to return are entirely unique. While I cannot pretend to have the ability to explain this phenomenon entirely in a neat little package of words, please allow me to tell you a little bit about the ocean.

Anyone who has been to the ocean is familiar with the way it smells. Often, when I am missing home I will close my eyes, imagine myself at the shore and take a deep breathe in. But the air I take is always hopelessly insufficient. Ocean air is somehow fresher, more vital. When I take my first breaths on P.E.I. I am always mystified that all that time away I had even been breathing at all.

The sound of the ocean is well and lovely too. It has been recorded and sold many times over for its peaceful properties. The rhythm of waves punctuated by the occasional squawk of gulls is a sound most people are familiar with even if only artificially.

The tactile qualities of the ocean are not understood as well as well by mainlanders. Tourists are delighted to feel the water gently lapping over their feet when they walk along the shore or the waves bobbing their whole bodies up and down but do not understand the power of the undertow as well as Islanders. We all know someone the ocean has swallowed and are wary of its power.

Lastly and perhaps most importantly is the way the ocean wets the air. I cannot keep my hair straight or my clothes dry at night. This may sound unpleasant but I think it is perhaps the most important thing to mention because in this way the ocean makes itself known to you even when you are far from the shore. An Islander’s appreciation of the ocean is much more than an appreciation of the sites and smells it presents. The sites and smells are merely reminders of something even greater.

Man has claimed and shaped the world around him but the ocean remains a wild thing. It is the presence of this wild thing that truly affects Islanders. The wind blows off the Atlantic and tempers the attitudes we have on life. Every day we are reminded of our place in the world and the limits of man. I have often heard urbanites describe maritimers as “nicer” than mainlanders but I don’t believe this to be true. The difference between a maritimer and mainlander is in our ability to enjoy ourselves. Blessed with an innate understanding of our place in the world, we are free not to take ourselves too seriously and do not become preoccupied with appearances or achievements in the way that city folk do. Living in a city, an Islander is doomed to feel the stranglehold that man has placed over his environment and most of all his own heart. This is why an Islander always comes home.

the moon is like crazy windy...look what it did to my flag

2008-09-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

OKay sorry but holey my mom and sister are adorable to me. This picture makes me laugh real laughter like a kitten pile or a duck cuddling a bear. Okay i am prety sure that a duck a never cuddled a bear but if one did it would make all warm.

Also thank you all my friends who left comments on my homework thank you so much.

Anyway, I miss Dave.

If you can't afford to play the cob lottery

2008-09-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Do you want to look at some pictures? Sure you do.

Actually if you guys are really bored you can read my homework blog. It is for my colour class. So yeah basically it is me posting pictures of things that have colours and being like hmmmm colours. By hmm I mean, you know, scratching my chin. Anyway since I have to do that I have some pictures.

Oh it is HERE.

Also, if you do boredom look at it, you should leave a comment like NICE PIC! because I feel like a dumbo making a blog that no one will read except my teacher at the end of class.

Also I wanted to tell you that the only downfall of living alone is how much I eat peanut butter straight out of the jar. It is pretty much all I can think about when I am home. That's what happened to me last time I lived alone too. REMEMBER??

Oh haha read those-I am so funny.....

Oh yeah, anyway I am supposed to be swearing to myself that I am not gonna buy anymore peanut butter after this jar is done. It's so hard though. I don't know what I am going to eat instead.

streched out on the table

2008-09-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

Oh okay just when I was logging in now they were doing that thing where they flash blog names that just got updated on blogger and one of them was called "my cyber playground" which just sounds like some sort of bad kid luring site. Also, can we please just retire the word the word cyber. Thanks cyber, you served us well in the 90's when we were all new at the internet but we don't need you anymore. Ugh seriously, you don't name your notebooks "my paper playground" or write smutty love letters and call them "paper sex".

And that subject is over.

NEW SUBJECT

Holy fuck school is a lot of work. How do this many people do this? I am supposed to be writing an essay right now but so far all I have are a bunch of dramatic sentences and ideas and no form and ugh. How do people do this? I kind of start to cry when I even think about writing essays. I want this stupid degree and I want to do well but I suddenly feel very out of my league.

I am trying to write a short descriptive essay about home and I don't know maybe that is too big of a thing inside me for me to be writing about...maybe I should just be like oh it's so pretty and cute and my mom lives there, sigh isn't turkey wonderful blah blah blah but instead here I am writing NOBODY OWNS THE OCEAN and trying to explain that the ocean is like the sky but IN YO FACE because you can smell it and hear it and duuuuude, it is right in front of you, you do not even have to look up.

There is a reason why everything that I write is jokey. Actually, I am a very serious person, or rather, I mean that I think about things in a very serious way and I need to joke all the time or else I would just constantly be in tears at how beautiful and terrible everything is.

In other news my browser shuts down everytime that I try to add a picture to this post. This computer keeps acting up, I think that I need to buy a new one and I can't afford it. Also if I do have to buy one should I go big and get a mac? opinions please.....

bright beige

2008-09-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

whoa

I was just on imdb and I saw this ad for this movie where the plot is described as " An LAPD officer (Jackson) will stop at nothing to force out the interracial couple (Washington and Wilson) who just moved in next door ..." and I saw that picture and I was pretty impressed like, FINALLY hollywood made a serious movie about racism where Samuel L. Jackson plays a centaur cop.
Perfect.
That is exactly the movie I have been waiting for my whole life to see and I didn't realise it until right this instant.

Anyway, turns out that is not a fully uniformed cop centaur as played by Samuel L. Jackson; It is just him standing in front of some luggage or something. We can all keep trudging through our miserable lives.

I accept your inacceptance of my acceptance to just draw boners and fanatasize about telling off waitresses.

2008-09-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

In case you are wondering what goes on in Toronto basically it is a bunch of guys hanging out who have moustaches and wolves on their t-shirts and girls riding around on bicycles in short shorts and floral high waisted skirts with long hair that flutters about romantically in the wind. Seriously, I am pretty sure that I will have to start wearing my hair in a stern bun when I ride my bike just to avoid turning into a cliche.

I got a job at a hipster bar sort of and so far I think sucks and I hate it but maybe that will improve. Ugh, if things were my way I would put up this sign in the door

.....but then the sign itself would be kinda ironic and I dunno the world would probably implode like from some sort of irony paradox type thing.

Ugh, I really wanted to quit tonight. It is pretty hard work and not great pay I don't think but the other thing is that I don't know; I think maybe all new jobs suck because you don't know where anything is or what you are supposed to be doing and you just feel like everyone hates your guts.

In other news my hair is so nice and curly and full lately.

Too bad I am not all low light pixelated all the time. I think my magically hilarious fun time in Toronto is over now that I have to go to school and work. I am pretty pumped about school but also pretty freaked out/scared that I will fail it all. I guess just, work hard and I'll do fine????
*self pep talking here*

oh man. Okay, formal writing scares the crap out of me as I'm sure I have discussed at length on this blog but something happened that made me feel kinda better in my english class the other day. We read William Faulkners Nobel prize acceptance speech and then discussed it and holy what the hell? I am pretty sure that I was the only person in class who even said it was a nice piece of writing....most of the comments were like umm, he uses A LOT of run on sentances and one fagotty art kid was like ummm, like, could you like, explain, like, what like, it is like supposed to be about, like, because I like, don't get it...

He actually said it that way. There was a guy sitting next to me taking class minutes or something writing everything that was happening down and GAWD if I were him I would have had to just type
LIKE

Also it made me realise how challenging it must be to be a teacher sometimes because wow I don't know how I would have answered that.

Anyway I just cut my knee on my crap computer stand. Also I like how I am like duh? how can you not get what that speech is about? and in the meantime I am just writing about how my hair looks nice and I cant stand looking at wolf t-shirts anymore. Also tho, one more thing- thinking about the wolf t-shirts makes me think about this secret pack of magic wolves and they like bound out of the shirts at night, I mean they escape the prison of the t-shirts and hunt down something or other, okay I hadn't gotten that far in my fantasy yet.

bye

fingerblast from the past

2008-09-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

Oh hi, can you tell that his albums are pretty much favourite things ever? My face has that embarrassed excitement look to it.

Sorry guys I just got the internet.

Oh man if I could tell you how fucking hilarious Toronto is already.....but I can't...sorry.

Best store name ever.

...uhhh I don't get it.

Here is what a pauldron is in case you were wondering though...

I'm actually surprised I didn't know that considering how many books I've read with dragons in them.

I'll be back sooner next time I promise.

caterpillar

2008-08-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

I just went on vacation to PEI but I didnt want to go home so I stayed longer and I got three jobs but then I only worked one day of one job because I was like oh yeah I have to move to Toronto still. Sigh.

Umm I have eaten two salads since Ive been here and some green beans. That is all the fruit and vegetables I have eaten since the 1rst of August. I can't stay awake because all I eat is birthday cake and ice cream and pizza and garlic fingers and french fries. I gained ten pounds and now it uncomfortable to sit upright. I should be taking health walks over the idyllic hills or something but it has not been happening. Anyway, I am leaving pretty soon, I don't really care.

I did some other stuff besides cram my face too. The regular culprits of bingo and trivia and hanging out with kids and fires. Okay I should be hunting down my personal items.

bye!

the day you outgrew maxim magazine

2008-08-01T00:53:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to go very zen when I move. That is probably improper use of the word zen, like I care. What I mean is, I think I should throw out about 70 percent of the stuff that I own. I am one of those people who saves coupons and never uses them I am always finding expired coupons in my drawers sigh and also pennies are always stuck to my leg in the morning because there is pennies in my bed I guess. I am not busy enough in the day and I usually have just slightly more cash than I have self esteem so I go shopping for garbage clothes that I wear three times in a year. Ugh, or I go shopping to force myself out of bed and out of the house. Okay that is pretty bad, like hi, the only reason I got out of bed today was so that I could go buy a shirt at stitches. Stitches should probably make a shirt that says that on it and then people can buy it and walk around being the new goths or something. By that I mean they can be mentally suicide pact high fiving each other in the mall. If I die they will probably bring in some sort of priest/detective who tells all your loved ones if you are going to heaven or hell and he will order my family to sew a giant quilt out of all my fucking walmart tank tops and give it to the poor people in other countries who probably made them or else I will go to hell. Also now that I just thought of that I am convincing myself not to throw out all my garbage so that I can make a bit art quilt out of it. Whatever quilts are too hard anyway I dont have that kind of patience.

mime toilet paper

2008-07-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

My camera was broken and it had been hanging on my shelf with the rest of my garbage but somehow it started to started to work again yesterday when Tina came over.
I think maybe just the lens was dirty or something. One time I thought my picture viewer thing was broken on my computer but it was just in minimize for months.

I had a painting class today and it was my last one before I start real school next year. Umm okay there is something that I hate about most of my paintings. Well there is a few things things but there is something I really hate about how I end up coloring things. Are you guys fascinated or what..... sigh too bad I'm not van gogh and the internet is not my brother who cares about my paintings. Ugh, sorry I have a book that I got from a garage sale that is pretty much just letters that van gogh wrote to his brother who cared about his colors.

Whatever I am giving up and spelling it the American way. Shit I just realised it is almost 5 I should really be in bed. I was going to work and dye my hair dumb colours but instead I was searching for pictures of Chelsea Clinton on the internet. That turned into searching Monica Lewinsky and that got old pretty fast. She just looks the same in all the pictures. Boring. Anyway there is a Monica Lewinsky impersonator which is pretty lame. I dunno I guess maybe she would get hired for 90's themed parties. Who hold expensive 90's themed parties tho anyway. Supply and demand.

Oh yeah pictures. SUPPLY AND DEMAND. I have to blog the people DEMAND it. ugh.

I wanted to talk about faces which is why I started googling chelsea clinton because some guy last time called my horseface in comments and then I got interested in what people think are horsefaces because I have always thought of them as people with long faces. The internet seems to feel that Sarah Jessica Parker is the ultimate horseface. I dunno she was pretty in that movie where her and bette midler and some other giorl are witches. Hocus Pocus. My little sister watched that movie every god damn day. Also there was some thing where only virgins could go do some thing maybe go in some graveyard or something and she would always ask me what a virgin was and I don 't know what I told her. i think I just said that I didn't know. Also there is a part where sjp sings this song to make children follow her so she can make a stew out of them to keep her youth so she can keep slutting around and it was pretty umm fetching? I dunno, I was always like oh man I would totally follow that voice sjp.

ANYWAY

I guess horse faces can also be protruding sort of lip area people which I am and which I sort of like. Whatever, I am just thinking about faces. If you guys are bored tell me about your thoughts on faces specifically your own faces. I think everyone must have thought about their own face a lot. I might have more to say about this tomorrow but I seriously have to go to bed.

teenage mutant ninja hurdles

2008-07-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

I went and saw the Dark Knight tonight. Umm it was good but not as good as the last one. It kind of goes on way too long. It just has all these pre climax climaxes and way too many scenes that are like right or wrong-THINK ABOUT IT. Whatever. Also Maggie Gyllenhall is pretty ugly and it is not believable that two good looking smart guys are crazy in love with her. Also they just do dumb things in the movie like batman is dating a ballerina but she has huge tits. Fuck that stuff bugs me, if you want him to date a girl with big tits that's fine just dont make her a ballerina because ballerinas are anorexics duh.

Also I ate soooooo much at stupid sushi buffet.

blah I need to go home. The next month is going to be stressful and complicated and all over the place.

Also I kind of want to quit comedy. I hate it so much now, but it really bugs me that I hate it so much, man I hate it though.

good bye high knees

2008-07-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I am in Toronto looking for a place to live. I am also doing opening spots all week at Absolute Comedy up at Yonge and Eglinton. I hate comedy now and I suck at it BUT if you want to come let me know and I can comp you, by you I mean anybody who would read this. The headliner is my friend and he is very weird and funny. One of the most original comics you will see probably.

bler blah blah

I think I found a place to live but the ceiling is so low that I couldnt do my awesome jumping jacks. What do you think? I dunno, is it worth sacrificing ceiling for not having to live with anyone else?

tapwater buffet

2008-07-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am in painting class again and it is making me excited to go to school next year.

I was on the bus today and these two teenage girls sat across from. Girl one talked about herself the whole time, she talked about how her boyfriend had cheated on his old girlfriend with her because she was so special and she said that she thinks he really likes her because he can really "talk" to her. Girl two hung off her every word- really looked at her the whole time. Girl one was moving away and girl two said she would miss her. Girl one responded that her and so and so could form a fan club in her honour. Girl one phoned three different people in 15 minutes while girl two sat there awkwardly.

bler blah blah I dont really fell like finishing this story. I also saw guy who was walking down the street and talking to his friends while drinking canned coors light run into a street sign. He ran into really hard-it was pretty funny. Also I was walking sown the street in quiet night and this guy passed me on the road and farted super loud just as we crossed paths. I guess you could say that I had a big day.

trailer sailor

2008-06-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

It keeps raining all the time and my room and all my clothes smell like smoke but I cant understand why. Even my hair smells like smoke to me. Maybe when it is raining it makes smoke stick to your hair if you walk by somebody who is smoking.

I just stopped writing to go for a walk with a dog.

Oh then I did some more stuff and now I just made this picture. That is my impersonation of a mermaid at the bow of a ship. Err bow is the front right? I am not that seaworthy even though I like pretend I would be.

I am a ball of nervous energy lately. Oh yeah that picture represents me sailing into my future. Umm it is like my life boat. Ugh, it is pretty awesome how I am basically just like a "scrapbooker" that uses ms paint to commemorate important life things. Oooh actually that gives me an idea.

P.S. I am moving to Toronto next month.

That goes in my grandma/grandson bingo section of the scrapbook.

and an udder thing

2008-06-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so pretty much since I can remember I have been a 36d sometimes 34dd. Anyway, in the last year I have been excersizing and I have quit drinking for a about a month now. I am losing weight but I think it is mostly just all from my boobs. I am pretty self conscious about it already- anyway I went to go buy some bras since mine don't really fit anymore and the lady measured me at the store as a 36b. I just started crying right in the store it was so embarrassing. Ugh, I am not proportional anymore. The rest of me is not super slim or anything at all. Umm so I guess this is just a big crybaby post. Sorry about that.

not the brightest lights on the porch

2008-05-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

What I do now is read self help books. Oh god. I am so ashamed. I am seriously on my third self help book now. I am thinking about quitting drinking for good so that is what this one is about.

Anyway I was looking at Susan Powter's latest book at the store today and now I am on her website and I just wanted to let you guys know that Susan Powter is fucking bananas. I feel like I have made some amazing discovery- is this something everyone knew? She has an f.a.q. section on her website and she answers all the questions in some kind of weird format like her answers are supposed to be poetry but it is really bad disjointed poetry.

Okay here are some examples.

Heather asks:
How do I convey my concern to my overweight 11 y.o. son without making him feel (like I did as a child) bad about himself? How do I feed him foods he enjoys and motivate him to exercise, when it’s such a huge change from his current lifestyle?

The only
Way by
Doing it
Yourself
Be the
Living
Example of
Wellness and
The children
Will live
What they
See...do you
And he will
Do himself
With you....

Kim asks:
What do you eat when you are craving sweets?

The sweetest
Things...

Foods, loaded
With sugar
From Nature...

Real sugar...

Sugar designed
For our bodies
Not, from
The vats
Of man...

Not refined
Not poison
Not so white
It blinds you...
And, it does millions

Once you
Decide what
You won't eat
You'll find
Plenty that's
Far better
To eat...

Also umm okay I am just finding all this stuff on her website right now. She has all these video blogs. Oh my god she is fucking bananas. I can't even explain it. I mean she is kind of talking about things in her life in the videos but it seems like a kid who is in their room just being a twit and filming themselves, like she is a real person who spends her whole life at playing being a person. Watch this video she just goes on these inconclusive rants and also she claims that when she orders drinks in restaurants she is like umm just give me whatever size is not gauche. umm haha.

Oh in the next one she is claiming that nobody was having any babies in the eighties except for her.

french on display

2008-04-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

Ugh today is such a loser day. I woke up at 9 and had a shower and then went back to bed till 1:30 or some depressing time. It is rainy and shit outside today so I decided to stay in and just ugh, okay i joined one of those things where you make pennies a day for answering surveys and like flagging offensive photos or whatever. I did that for like three hours I am pretty sure. I made 11 cents for sure so far. Then I was starving so I decided to walk to McDonalds and that was I dunno just the worst experience ever the line was moving so slow and this machine was beebing constantly and no one would turn it off it just beeped the whole ten minutes I was in there and it was driving me fucking crazy. I was standing in line with my hands over my ears like fighting so hard not to just irrational run out like I do half the time when I have to wait in a line. Anyway I got a kids meal. I was sort of into getting kids meals there cus they are not so bad you get yogurt and carrot sticks and creepy chemical apples. Anyway, they didn't give me the yogurt and carrot sticks and then they were like umm we dont do that anymore but there was a sign saying they still did. Sigh. Anyway they didnt care that's why i got the stupid happy meal in the first place, surprise. I walked home and called McDonalds head office and complained. I hate myself so much right now. Oh yeah another thing that was sort of depressing at the McDonalds was that somebody used their leftover fries to spell out Fuck U! on the table and they underlined it in paper straw garbage.

pussy calculator

2008-04-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

I think I might not like my new job that I thought I liked.
Plus it is supposed to be haunted.

In case you can't tell I hung out with a mirror at the park today.
meh

free venetian blind people

2008-04-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Dave cooked octopus in here a few days ago and now the apartment is octopus smell. Also I am spending mighty amounts of time thinking about octopuses. octopi?

The word gets grosser when you spell it octopuss.

I want to draw with octopus ink. I should look into it.

Fuck I bore the hell out of myself.

The building that I live in got bought out by some bigger company and I hate the new owners. They keep doing all these dumb things and I feel like I dunno this kind of rage against the property company thing where I am like I dunno, wanting to write out secret notes to share my hatred with the other tenants who probably hate them too but it is just entirely counter productive to be like WHO ELSE THINKS THE NEW PRICE OF LAUNDRY SUCKS?

ugh.

Also the laundry machines barely even work anyway.

I suppose you are supposed to deduce that I am sick of being poor. Okay, I am really concerned about food prices going up and I am worried that I will have to eat bugs so I have this pressing kind of feeling like I have to buy thousands of dollars worth of beef jerky or else I will need to eat bugs in the future. Anyway it is pretty much the most annoying feeling ever because I can't really afford to buy thousands of dollars worth of beef jerky just in case, therefore I am constantly filled with anxiety that I am making a huge mistake for not spending every penny I earn on beef jerky.

meh