The Lewd Angel

old things and golden strings

2009-08-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

I guess I decided that I am going to make a new blog because I am bored of this one. I dunno too many people could read it or something and plus it is just so long and old...I feel like it is just an endless word pile. Also I don't like my font and I cant seem to change it. Ugh, I guess it is sort of like how sometimes you have to move because your current abode is too full of old memories and old things. Anyway, thanks for reading people. I guess you can email me if you want to know the new address but I will probably just give it to people that are real life people I know because it's nice to keep in touch. It is a wild party over on the new blog. I used quotations even.

Anyway, bye fuckers.

get your motor running out into the ocean

2009-07-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Did you guys know that a new trend for moms to do is to cook a bunch of pasta and put their baby in it and take pictures. True story. My sister showed me two different girls on facebook that did that. I will try to get my hands on some proof for you guys in case you don't believe me. Sleep tight.

old feelings

2009-07-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

I was just on facebook and this guy I know just invited me to join his group for him dressing up like batman and asking people to tip him to get their picture taken with him. Anyway, umm this guy just likes dressing up like batman and robin both. I have known him for probably three or four years like it is not a phase and it is not usually his get rich quick thing he just likes to do it for some reason. Also I think you guys should know that this guy takes himself very seriously and is a dick. Also he is a decently good looking guy so he seems to get a lot of hot dates but they are always first dates because he has a pretty bad personality. I guess he has never really been uhhh mean to me except that he fucking snuck into the comedy condo that I had to clean and made a mess and annoyed the othe people staying there who were actually supposed to be there. Oh yeah also when he was in the comedy condo which he illegally snuck into he went on this messageboard and pretended to be a big fan of his own comedy and made a thread being liek oh man this guy is so great and then someone called him on it and his response was basically SO! Sorry I was just realising that I never told you guys that a guy like that exists.

I stopped by at my grandparents house today. They live in a home now but grandpa was in the garage cleaning stuff up when I got there. They are putting their house up for sale now. I helped him sweep up some birdseed and cracked corn stuff off the floor of the garage that the racoons got into. My grandpa said the coons love cracked corn. He was just sitting on a chair in there when I went in and I sat down next to him for a bit. I told him that I love the smell of the garage (It smells sort of like a dirt basement in there)....anyway he just said something like oh this old stink....but I can't help but think that he must like the smell of it in there too. He spent a lot of time in there and my grandpa lived in that house his whole life. His father built it before he was born. It made me so damn sad, I bawled all the way to Summerside and the truth is I am bawling again now just thinking about it. I just wish that he could understand how much that smell actually meant to me. The only time I ever smelled anything like it when I was kid was when I went to their house and it was so exciting to me. It makes me think of my grandpa out in the garage working on something or out in his garden. He was a farmer and he knows an aweful lot about growing things. He also had a keen interest in antigue engines. He used to collect them and put them in the parades. I was always really impressed with him. My grandma used to grow a long row of flowers at the edge of the lawn. Huge roses and the like which she entered into this flower competition in town. She would win a lot of the prizes and one time she let me enter a flower in under my own name and it came in third. They had this bluish/purple bouncy ball that I would take out in the driveway and bounce around and it made this special kind of echo sound when it bounced. I don't really know how to describe it- I just mean that the smell made me remember what that place felt like when I was a kid and it was something special. I can't remember the places we lived so hot when I was a kid because they were mostly row houses and we moved around a lot. I can't get any of this out eloquently. All I can say is that I felt happy to spend that bit of time with him but sad as hell at the same time. I don't know how to cope with aging and death. I was supposed to go see my dads father before he died and I just didn't. I felt like I just couldnt stand to see him so sick and I don't know how to act around someone when you know they are going to die soon. I want to say a million things but I am afraid to and I always start to kinda cry and feel embarrassed.

consider yourself challenged

2009-07-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

I guess I havn't been writing much this summer eh? I guess that is for the twins reasons of being on vacation and also working all the time. I am on a brain vacation sort of...not that I am not thinking of stuff I think I am just on a recharge or whatever. Also I really do work all the time it seems. I work pretty late too. I don't mind so much though because I want to save up lots of money. I am obsessed with buying some property or a little cottage or something on PEI. I love it here and I want to come back next summer and I also kind of want to live in a dumb trailer or something. Also I am realising that I will not be able to afford anything once I am done school because I will owe the government all my money so I should probably have a place to hide out at and be folk artist or whatever. The truth is I am going crazy with desire everytime I see some laundry out hung up on a line because I want it SO BAD. I have a meeting with a real estate agent in a few days even though I have no money really and no credit.

I'm dreaming songs almost every night it seems...but as usual I can't seem to remember much about them for long when I wake up. I wrote a note to myself that I think was the chorus of a song but I can barely read it. I think it says "I owe you the book on you" I think that meant something more to me than I can figure out right now and I keep rolling the words around in my head to see what they attach themselves to.

It stormed like crazy this morning and I couldn't sleep because the poor dog was breathing so heavy and shaking like crazy. The odd thing is that lately she has been sometimes shaking like crazy when the weather is perfectly fine....if you take her out and throw the ball around she'll calm right down so I don't know what that is about. She is getting to be pretty old and turning pretty weird in general so maybe it is just that but also I am like whoa? can you sense danger girl?

I'm exhausted folks. My family dragged me out to see double feature at the drive-in Ice Age 3? and Night at the Museum 2.

They were about as good as one would expect. There was some pretty strong umm sexual innuendo imagery in Ice Age which was sorta interesting to me though and they played the old intermission tape at the drive thru which was pretty neat. It is an add for the canteen and they are like SPARKILING SODA POP!

okay bye

dead bird alert

2009-06-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

OK did I ever tell you guys that I am sort of paranoid that I am some sort of dark lord of birds before? Basically, I see dead birds a lot I think? I mean what is the average amount of dead birds someone is supposed to see? Also a lot of the birds I see are headless. Ugh. I dunno. The week before I moved here I think I saw four dead birds in Toronto. Wait no. One was not dead yet. A cat ate its rear end off and it was on it's back kinda pain chirping pathetically. It was aweful I was freaking out because I knew I would have to kill it when my crazy neighbour rolled up and he said he would finish it off for me. Another one of the dead birds was this one that was right outside my step, its body was intact except that it had a big hole where its heart would go and everytime I left my house a whole bunch of flies would come flying out its heart hole.

Also, umm a couple years ago for some reason birds started to fly like right by my head like they brush against my hair when they fly past....but that has happened in awhile. Anyway so I've been living with this paranoia that somehow I make birds die or that soem part of the universe is piling up bird corpses in my path but I was kinda over it because I had only seen one headless bird since I got here (which was kinda weird-it wasn't on the road it looked like its head got crushed by a rock or something) Ugh, anyway, yeah that was the only one I saw...and plus there is this eagle that flies around majestically by my work all the time so i kinda figured I was home free regarding being some sort of dark lord of birds but then yesterday I was driving with Tess and there was this bird just standing on the road in front of us and it eventually kinda walked over top the other side of the road where some other car immediately ran it over...and then when I went for that walk i saw another headless bird.

anyway, umm besdies all that stuff I love PEI.

gentlemen fallers

2009-06-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

That is something funny we found today. It's a placemat my sister made for us when she was a kid. I guess she decided after the fact that maybe the dogs buthole was in poor taste.

I went and saw the hangover with her and Ryan today. I guess I liked it just because of Zach Galifianakis...swoon. Christ I don't need to start fantasizing about him again. I guess he will probably get to be super famous now and it will be weird. Anyway, they played who let the dogs out near the beginning of the movie. Ugh, they seriously need to stop playing that song in movies. Anyway a pretty good joke/burn to say if you would be his friend and he started to get all I dunno, how celeberities are supposed to be, uhh bossy or self important or dickish or whatever...the joke would be that he would be maybe throwing a fit over something lame and you go WHOA WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?!

Anyway I got a job. I feel like I have been here longer than I have. There is so much space here, it's so lovely to see big fields and hills. Not that I was ever un-in-love with my home but after being in Toronto for that time I really appreciate the amount of space I can see.

ghost of happy futures

2009-06-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

I think maybe some good advice is geez, don't own anything. I'm in PEI right now and I brought pretty much all of my clothes with me. I left the house yesterday with these two giant bags and just realised how ridiculous it was immediately but didn't really have time to deal with it...anyway I had to take 18 pounds of stuff out of my bag as carry on luggage to even be allowed to check in. Ugh, so dumb. I guess a lot of my art crap is heavy too but blugh. Oh, I started to think about that because I was thinking I was relaxed but then got immediate anxiety when I thought about my apartment. Anyway, I am here now. I went to the beach tonight and it was lovely.

Last night my family got pretty hammered, or me and my mom did atleast I dunno. Anyway I guess I don't have much to say about that. My sis and I went for a walk and stopped into see our grandparents in their new nursing home. It was kind of entertaining to me. My grandpa is this real quiet farmer type guy....he still wakes up at quarter after 4 every morning. Anyway, I guess a few months ago he just busted out these Marilyn Monroe suspenders and now he wears them every day. Tess was saying when he first busted them out that grandma was sort of embarrassed or being sort of like umm? are you gonna wear those suspenders out to dinner and he was just all yup, I am sure am. Anyway, I was asking them about this nursing home versus their last one and they like this one much better. They only went in a nursing home in the last year so it is still pretty weird to have them out of their own home. Anyway, they like this place a lot better because they said the last place was super boring and all the other residents were deaf and shitty to talk to. Grandma was kinda going on about how boring it was at the old place and then she says "One day, we even played cards with eachother. That's how bad it got."

It's possible that I find that funnier than other people.

p.s. I also went to that bingo that I prebooked a booklet for. It was Bingo that was put on by the social comittee of my mom and sisters work and it was pretty bad because there was no bingo screen and the lady that was calling the numbers didn't have a mic and she was using just this tiny little hand rolling bingo machine. Anyway the prizes were all things like 40 dollar gift certificates to uhh M&M meat shops or zellers and stuff like that. This old french woman at the table next to us gave me a million old french lady crotch shots because for some reason she decided to wear this fancy short skirted suit out and also never close her legs. The woman that was sitting next to her also talked THE ENTIRE TIME. about nothing. She was just dumb and loved hearing her own voice, like they said called out I 16 and the woman just goes. 16. My son is 16. He has his learners permit. They call out B 15 and she just says. One and a five. To no one. Ugh. Also the french lady couldn't understand any of the bingo winning patterns and needed ro have them to be explained to her like ten times. She had particular trouble with two lines or one line and four corners.

I think the weird patterns on the cards made by drawing of the random numbers makes me think about things in weird ways that I can't explain. Well that combined with the boredom of bingo and the time it gives you to think about things. I felt like I wanted to take everyones used up cards home and, you know, run scientific experiments on them.

Anyway, I won twice but all I got was 20 dollars of gift certificates to the drug store and a free booklet for the next time that they have social comittee bingo. Anyway, I need to get a job, you can't live off that.

heart sharpener

2009-05-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Some sort of miracle happened a few days where suddenly I don't want to drink really. I am like GOOOOOOOD I just want to be sober. I think it is maybe because for one I looked at these pictures when I was skinny from excersizing and not drinking and I was like whoa that was nice kinda. I remember. I dunno, I don't even mean so much being skinny as just I dunno being sober or healthy or something. I guess being skinny was pretty good too except that my boobs got so small and it made me feel self conscious. Also I dunno, I am not even sure that I ever minded being not skinny, it's just that, at the time I was dating some manorexic dude who pretty much called me fat and commented about other womens bodies all the time and it gave me a complex. God....if you guys actually listen to anything that I say then ugh, don't date people like that. I keep thinking about how miserable it made me and I am like fuuuuuck I am dumb. Anyway whatever, it's long over no biggie.

Oh yeah also when I quit drinking for all that time before I had so much money it was amazing.....

Is there anything else I wanted to talk about? Oh just that I hate my job and I can't wait to be done and omg I am going to be home in a week.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

That is the noise I am going to make on the plane so that other people won't like me.

Also when the plane lands I will hold my hand up to chest and start to cry. That part is true I do that all the time when I go to PEI.

Ugh I have to pack and somehow make room for the girl who is subletting my place.
I layed in bed most of the day partially cus I figured it was raining and I was therefore mildly depressed but then it turned out to be really nice outside when I got up.

Whatever sorry I am boring.

the roaring 2000s

2009-05-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Oh Hi, I am crazy into acid now. ugh just kidding.

Whatever I need to shower. I wanted to test out my widened my template.

blah blah blah wah wah wah don't bother reading this

2009-05-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

I went to this life drawing thing tonight. It is not really that much of life drawing though because they wear costumes instead of nudity but I guess there is partial nudity. I dunno the model did a strip tease at the beginning. It was alright but after two hours I had to leave i just couldn't sit there anymore and actually concentrate on that same guy. Bler. Also you can't really big drawing pads so that kinda sucked but whatever it was neat. There was this ego-crushingly hot girl sitting next to me. Whatever she turned out to be this burlesque dancer....maybe it is less ego-crushing to know she is professionally hot ugh.

I'm fucking depressed today. I think I hate my apartment and I don't feel like dealing with it or my stuff this summer/next fall. I am also pretty lonely I guess. I pretty much stay in bed or at my computer for two or three hours everyday till I am like okay seriously Melissa enough and then I just walk around all all day usually doing umm, not much just walking...I sing a lot when I walk I guess which is sorta what makes it fun. I like walking but you can't do it all day and when I came home from walk today I felt pretty defeated just ugh what now? Then I went to that drawing thing and it is the same thing, I get kinda cheered up but I just feel immediately depressed when I come home. So I dunno.... is that my apartment or am I sick of living alone or maybe I am just generally depressed, I can't tell.

God there is nothing like reading about someone elses depression is there? Actually maybe it is better than reading about someone elses happiness. Whhaaattttaya think?

Errgh okay here is the other depression making thought that keeps finding it's way back into my brain. I feel really frustrated creatively. I feel like I am not doing anything new ever I am just writing more garbage and drawing more garbage. I worry a lot about my mind because I feel like maybe it is not capable of concentrating on things for a long time....but I just have this compulsion to be doing something creative all the time. What I mean is...you know when you see a crazy person rambling on and it seems almost like their mind is possessing their bodies to say all these things but somewhere somehow it is not getting out properly. I mean sort of like that. I draw so many things that I just seriously hate to look at but I just keep drawing them I don't know I can't get anything good out.

*I was gonna write more but then I went and drank and didn't feel depressed anymore and I was bored of thinking about that stuff....... so I never finished. you are welcome.

the cream team

2009-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

Oh hey guys,

I talk a lot about PEI I guess so I figured you might want to know what it's like. It's like in that video.....that's what I say.

Seriously though here is a message I just got on facebook.

Please write something about this on your blog:

*cue video of Karl Wolf's version of Africa*

Why is shit like this still being made? This is the WORST thing ever. Oh my gawd why did I sit through this video because it just fills me with rage.

Anyway this video is pretty funny because the only reason I really know about this song is that my mom listens to it all the time because it sounds like the original Toto version except when buddy goes apeshit rap crazy innit which is the part where my sister makes all these crazy apeshit rapping faces in my moms car and it is pretty funny. I can't even really make fun of it because it just all so obvious. I dunno, don't act like that-especially if you are covering a song by a band named Toto. Also why the fuck does it say La Fin at the end, like oh sorry I didn't realise we were watching a riveting story here, I thought it was just tits for hire and couple of douchebags running around doing douchebag things. My mistake.

sigh.

I rode my bike today and it was awesome. I did other fun things too. I made a fun sandwich with comedy in the middle of it.

golden rings and things

2009-05-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

If I was thin and a prostitute cartoon I think I would be that cartoon lady.....cus she has big boobs and my same hair-do. She was half ass based on Bettie Page whom people like to tell me that I look lately for some reason even though I don't really all that much and I never heard it before but like once a week for the last couple months, I dunno....

Anyway I went to the dufferin mall and I really lived it up because I bought some reeses peanut butter cups and then I went and sat on this shiatsu massager chair and got a 2 dollar 4 minute massage while eating peanut butter cups. It was kinda fun but also really embarassing like uhh god I hope no one I know comes in and finds me sweaty from walking to dufferin mall in the sun getting a shitty massage in between the dollarama and the no frills. Also I had on this pretty thin worn out t-shirt of mine that I won't get rid of because it says PEI roadrunners on it and it is see thru and the shiatsu chair massage was making my boobs jiggle like crazy....some old guy walked by and kinda gave me the eye but it seemed to be not really a sexy eye but the judgemental sexy eye like watch that boob jiggle lady or something. My lifestyle is so decadent it is hard not to attract an interested and dissaproving eye in the dufferin mall, basically I am a lady Bachus rolling in with my crew or whatever but my crew is like a twoonie and a dollarama chocolate bar. Oh Bachus....one winter I made this giant snow pile that looked like a bunch of grapes using this big round punchbowl so that I could sit on top of it and pretend I was Bachus but I think I was going by Dionysus back then.

God I am loser.

Is Bachus a sex maniac? I think he is. I feel like a sex maniac lately..... I don't mean I am out fucking a harem maniac styles or anything but I feel pretty pervy all the time. There is this guy that I work with who is pretty pervy and today I made him tell me a bunch of pervy stories about him and his girlfriend. Anyway if you are bored tell me pervy stories about times that you had sex before.

I pre-booked a bingo booklet

2009-05-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Oh man I am having Saddle River String Band dance party in my room and it is not even noon yet. Anyway I have money for food today that is a pretty good reason to celebrate. Holy Bajoley I am in a good mood because also I looked at this picture and it makes me laugh a lot. whoa nick is teeny tiny. Oh man it is so good that we are all different sizes think how boring it would be if everyone was the same height pretty much. Anyway it is BREAKFAST PARTY! time.

p.s. that just means I am going to go eat breakfast, I am not uhh drinking by myself for breakfast or anything.

BYEEEEE

magic research society

2009-05-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

dumbo jumbo

2009-05-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

These are old I forgot about them.

Umm, why am I writing today? I think it is because I am starting to get anxiety about leaving for the summer. I am nervous about leaving my apartment and Toronto and worried that I am gonna be really bored or something. So I dunno, make me feel not like that. I think I gained ten pounds in the last week. Dom is gone today so hopefully that will stop, the getting fatter I mean. I had a weird week. Oh Okay I think I just wanted to write because I have a bunch of anxiety about a abunch of dumb things but that is boring and dumb to write about so maybe I will just go for a walk or hang out with someone or something.

dolly lama

2009-05-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

One of these pictures actually gave me a nightmare last night. The one with Dom and the gasmask on. I dreamt this guy came to my house to rape and torture me but then I ran out of the house kinda so that we would be in a public and he couldnt rape me but I couldnt scream out or something so I just talked to him and the guy was half ass Dom and he was pretty funny. Then I was really disturbed because I was like ahh this rapist ain't so bad....like dissapointed in myself for being dumb. I mean the guy was like what? I wasn't gonna do anything too bad to you when I broke into your house but he had all this sticky rope and a glue gun and all this fucked up shit with him and I was like umm what about all that stuff then? and he was hey it's my first rape I dunno what I'm doing, I brought props, I dunno...

It was pretty fucking creepy anyway, especially that it was half ass Dom. The reason why I had it I think is that one time some people put this life sized dummy of a man in gas mask at my door and knocked and ducked and I looked out the window and thought it was a real person that was there to rape and kill me. It seriously traumatized the shit outta me and I sorta get the chills whenever I see a gas mask now. I also can't handle being scared-it messed up my flight or fight instinct-I am all fight now. Never frighten me for I will punch you in the face and scream bloody murder, I can't help it.

I am pretty hungry and I want to go to Paris.

modern animals

2009-05-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

The subway tiles at Rosedale are my favourite. I was on the subway one day with this girl who does not live in Toronto and she kinda made fun of Rosedale station like ugh god how old are these tiles? and it pretty much blew my mind...I mean why would you change the tiles?... especially when they are so pretty. I always ask people about their favourite and least favourite looking subway stops but no one seems to have an answer usually. It is always kind of mentally distressing to me like am I the only person with a childs mind for placing things in categories still????

The picture at the bottom shows the tiles better.

I always fear that I repeat myself on here...do I do that? have i talked about the subway tiles before? Do people even read blogs anymore or did facebook kill them? It was easier to write back when people actually read this but I suppose it's important to keep writing no matter what...

I have had this blog for so long now I find it hard to imagine being someone who doesn't have one...My head has these thought tornadoes swirling around and once I write about something I feel like it takes a bit of pressure off of me to stop thinking that thought so much.

Yesterday I went to Tim Hortons and got a coffee and the guy asks if I want anything else and I say yeah I want to pee too. He kinda laughed at me and then gave me the bathroom key which is attached to this thing that says "featured soup" and I really wanted to make a joke about umm making the featured soup in the toilet bowl but I couldn't really think of a clever way to word it and plus I thought maybe it was too gross. Still you can't expect to give people a tag that says featured soup and go into a room and fill a bowl with liquid and expect them not think of that. I put the tag on the toilet and took a picture of it after I was done but uhhh, i guess I won't post it. There is just one tiny pathetic poo in there, kinda unimpressive anyway...

I've been drinking too much I am up at 7:30 every day lately. guh. Anyway, Dom is coming to town today I am excited. I think I am going to try and drag him out to Toronto Island sometime this week.

hot headed can't you see

2009-05-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

I really think that there is some kind of pick up artist school that operates on queen st between spadina and john because pretty much everytime someone has asked me on a date off the street in this city it is there. I think I told you that in the fall but it happened again, I guess the tit-gazers take a break in the winter. I also think that the school particularly caters to indian gentlemen because I am pretty sure the were all indian men that asked me out there.

Another thing that I want to say about the area between queen st between spadina and john is that I hate the fucking street performers. In general I hate street performers just because ugh, so lame. Anyway tho the one that I hate the most is that guy with the fucking rocks that he balances. Okay if you dont live in Toronto there is this guy that balances rocks and like concrete things on eachother and people are all amazed, I dunno why he uses the same pile of rocks all the time it doesn't blow my mind. Anyway he takes up half the fucking street and I am always afraid one of his dumb rock sculptures is gonna fall on my feet. I've been meaning to get that off my chest for awhile now.

Also I am not a complete stone heart I like the musicians in the subways usually.

umm I dunno I was playing with a photocopier today. I guess I don' care enough about these to fix them. bye.

a gift from moron brain

2009-05-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry I think that cartoon is dumb and not funny but I am pretty bored. It is raining out and I was broke and alone all day so I dunno it ads up to being bored. I wanted to just read comic or a book or somethign but I dont really have any ones that I want to read right now. I decided to try and make a zine but then I just made a mess on my floor and that dumb cartoon. Ugh. I'm so restless right now. I think maybe I need to learn how to play the piano or something because I can't stand anything anymore.

a little privacy while I animorph please

2009-05-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my God I am broke and I am sick of eating the vegetarian chilli that I made a couple of days ago. I keep pooping corn, so predictable.

My family went to Disneyland (sans me) and I just keep looking at my sisters facebook pictures and being like oh my god my family is pretty and funny and I want to hang out with them. My sister is pretty funny or she made a dumpload of funny photo captions. Ahh the photo caption. I could muse on like uhh how popular the photo caption has become but thats pretty boring.

See they are adorable. Tess and I got a loaner chevy for us to drive around which puts me in a happier mood about going home. I was worried about being stuck in the country by myself all the time. I wonder if Tessa will let me name it maxine (after maxine sullivan) cus it looks like a hospital maxi pad and plus I named my other cars after singers. I am starting to get pretty pumped to go everytime I listen firetrucks siren past or a cracked out bum gives me the heebie jeebies. Oh also my room in PEI is like three times as big as my apartment and it's on its own floor and sigh I am excited.

Also, I wanted to say why don't you guys ever answer my questions geez I am on a discovery mission about humanity and no one will fill out the damn questionairre.

Banjo Ben and his Rice Tatties

2009-05-04T23:46:00.000-07:00

Okay I have a question. Am I the only person who constantly wants to start jamming on boners like they are a flute that I am playing when I am trying to give a blow job?

I think I am bored all the time because I am half retarded or something, like the one part of my brain that is smart is just constantly checking its watch like Geeezus Chriiiiiissst how long do I have to hang around this fucking moron? The answer is the rest of your life.
fuck.

So....watch this video moron brains.

Oh God. Don't watch any of the other keyboard cat ones though because it is all people getting hurt and I hate them. That is one the most widespread popular things that I don't understand at all. I mean videos of people getting hurt and those television shows where it is just string of them all together. Ugh, it gets me all worked up and disturbed.

toastmasters mind dump

2009-05-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

ooops I just remembered that sometimes I like privacy so I had to edit some of my last post maybe I should erase it all who knows. Gawd. How about I just get drunk and go home and cry about hating my job and then blog about it at five in the morning. Such a pathetic image. The other job in my life that I worked at a lot other than this one was for the government I would always do this contract work and my last contract was 6 months or something and near the end of it they kept being like stay for another week and I hated it. I made plans to go do something else when it was done and they just wanted me to stay so I went to the doctor and got him to write me a note that said work made me too crazy for me to stay. I think they were kinda pissed off about it at work, because they basically thought I was just pretending to go crazy so that I could stop working and go on vacation which was sort of true but at the same I was going pretty crazy. I would just sit there and kinda feel panicky like I had to run out of there. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just couldn't stand to waste any more of my life in there. So is that not going crazy? What kind of crazy should you be to quit work? One day I was walking to work in Ottawa in the summer and it was just the beginning of summer and I walked by all these people sitting with their friends and families on their patios and then as soon I walked into the door to work I just started bawling because I couldn't stand the idea of being there. They let me go home.

cranky skirts

2009-05-01T02:06:00.001-07:00

Wow is it really five in the morning and I am up crying about my job? yes it is and yes I am. I dunno here is my advice if you can take it,

don't get a job.

Although if you could afford to not have a job i would probably advise you to get one for a learning experience. Basically I am here to blow your minds with the fact that having a job sucks. Here is what happened to me. I always had like 80 zillion different jobs and they all sucked, ok 80 zillion is probably more like 45-60 and always is from 17 till 24. So what used to happen is that I would have all these different jobs that I hated mostly and then I would quit them and get a new one and then one day I got a job that I kind of liked and now I worked at that job for almost 4 years and now I hate it...and I don't hate it because I hate the work specifically. I hate it because I hate that it is something I have invested so much of my fucking life into and it still gives me shit. I hate that I am broke and pissed off and depressed about money and I dunno? I am not crazy for the work specifically either I just would rather waitress then sit around is all I mean. I think what I am trying to communicate here is fuuuuuuuckkk, how can anyone be happy- work is so much bullshit, probably everywhere- pathetic fucking shit get ahead games for nothing. Here is the thing; probably if you have something creative or specific that you are trying to do with your life then probably your boss does not right now. Probably they are not sure what to do so they figure that being the boss of some people is good enough of a goal in the meantime and that makes it basically impossible for you guys to get along because your worldviews are always going to be clashing.

The moral of the story is I'm broke and I'm leaving in month and I feel like I can't even wait, this last month feels like torture and I am depressed about my life choices when it comes to not having won the lottery by now.

p.s. sorry I am so boring and shitty at writing

bedtime

2009-04-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

Whoa how long did I just spend making this so I can try and convince people that I was psychedelic soul spooner in the seventies. Too much time. That is the answer.

Bye Beauties!

hairy scarey, quite contrary

2009-04-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

Okay this is my third time writing today I guess I have a lot on my mind?

Actually I think I am kind of bored of my thoughts or something...I kind of just think about things for a long time and then I get sort of OKAY SOMETHING NEW. I have spent the past few months thinking about umm haha the apocolypse, advertising and media technologies, sigh.

I had a nightmare the other day where I was sort of locked inside of a barn, I think, and there was a tv in there and it was just kind of flashing red light and moving around and I was trying to convince, I dunno who, about how tv is just a screen with moving lights around, how it's nothing. I think it was sort of torture in the dream. I don't even feel like talking about it because I'm bored of it.

I went to see Doug Stanhope last night. I am going to write my opinion of some things he said maybe because he specifically said to the crowd uhh dont blog about this no one cares about your opinion which I found dumb cus why should anyone care about his. If you are interesting enough that you can get people to listen to your opinion or your story or whatever, then tell it.

I didn't really find the show all that funny but it had some pretty funny parts. I found it was more just him saying what he thinks about things which was kind of interesting in certain ways. It was interesting to me because some of his things that he thinks about are the same things that I think about and have considered writing jokes about but they were said in a different way, like he was talking about call centres and just all the misdirected hatred that goes on in it which is something I tend think about in a specfic way like either cancer of the earth, or I just picture this big read squiggly wire thing like jumbled up anger but he worded it more low lovel bler blah something blah blah. Okay that is boring.

Then sometimes he said things that I just disagreed with and instead of being persuaded by funny about it you just sit there and think oh I disagree. He had this whole big bit about how sex is just...*and he makes the sound blort* and kinda acts out spunking I guess. He says how it is the same no matter who you sleep with and he goes on about like some example of some shitty person to sleep with and how it's blort and says sex with your soulmate and how it's blort. In my head I am like, whoa first of all soulmate...you can't just drop imaginary thing bombs into an argument and expect it to be convincing and second of all women don't even spunk so you are ignoring half of the sex havers. Third of all, if that's all sex is then just jerk off and shut the fuck up...sex is a lot more powerful, beautiful, and frightening thing than that sound. So I was listening to that joke and I was thinking about this joke from Mr. Montgomery's philosophy/penis book.

Okay I will actually just copy and paste the joke part here but you can go read the post of you want to see a hilarious picture of Jess, some animals and gravestones and my damn fine legs from however many years ago.

We are all just a bunch of soft, pink, squishy viruses...
Trying to make it in this infinitesimally small corner...Of our ever-expanding, convoluted universe...
And...by what means...?
By squirtin tiny, little jellied tadpoles into each other...
Imagine that...
That's it.
Sounds pretty silly don't it?
Who the hell thought that up...anyways...?
Little tiny jellied tadpoles...
Some idiot in Sales and Marketing, probably...
Squirt, squirt, squirt...
"Swim boy, swim..."
So...Like I'm thinkin...
Maybe it's the tadpoles, after all..
Holdin all the secrets...
Maybe...
Just maybe...
They are like...
some alien race...
From another planet or something...
Or...time travellers...
Using really strong, really tiny magnets...
Or something...
And...We don't really make the tadpoles, ourselves...
It's like...
They make themselves, in our bodies...
Using us...Instead of us...using them....
Like...I guess that would make my dick...
Some kind of alien spaceship or something....

Anyway, yeah it just seemed like okay maybe he is trying to talk about the adsurdity of sex but instead of reducing it down to a science/visual thing which is humourous he was trying to reduce it in this other dumb way that didn't make sense.

The other thing is that it seems like he has a lot of dumb fans... like just people who want to be loser cokeheads and still be able to tell themselves that they are smart outsiders of society instead of loser cokeheads but they are too dumb to think about anything on their own and come up with their own opinions so instead they just go to his shows and listen to his....it's like getting another dumb tattoo or something just braindead soft core rebellion.