dribble scribble
Umm, am I too old to be a singing sensation? hahaha Okay maybe I will save that dream for when I am old and I am friends with guys who have long hair and garages to rock out in. I think if I was in charge there would be more singing senstations and dancing- like local groups. I dunno is that what karaoke is? I dunno maybe someone should invent a country with mandatory choral service or something. People would probably be happier. Oh maybe I am turning into a crackpot like right now I am probably growing the seeds inside my head of a future manifesto- like when I am sixty I will be trying to re-order society but no one will listen to me so maybe I will just buy an acre and invite a bunch of people to my yard and try and try to re-order the society of people on my lawn. Sigh. When I finished high school I was sort of planning on joining a commune. I even had one picked out. It was this one. I dunno why I changed my mind. I guess partly because we met this weird cult that at the Winnipeg Folk Festival that called themselves a commune and creeped me out but probably mostly cus I got a boyfriend and started getting drunk and having sex with him instead. God part of me is like oh, teenagers and their communes- like I think it is just the same thing as poetry where everyone goes through that "phase" but also I am sort of like umm Melissa no, all teenagers do not go through phases where they want to move to communes.
Anyway the weird thing is that I had this commune all picked out and everything and then one day I met this girl who was busking or something and she was from the commune. She told us about how they would all go on this giant road trip dumpster dive thing when university got out cus all the students would dump their stuff at the end of the year and I was pretty into it. I guess I wouldn't like that part so much anymore because now that I live in Toronto I am crazy afraid of bed bugs and I would be freaking out like guys do not even touch street furniture or bed bugs will ruin your life.
Do you think that peoples fears reflect their personality or what? For example are people who are afraid of heights like, I dunno wimps and losers? Probably... I am afraid of bugs ruining my life and elevators and escalators. Well they just make me freak out kind of. I can't stand when people just stand on the escalator in front of me I sort of panic because I feel trapped behind them and their lazyness. It's a claustrophobia thing. Also God, I am such a loser. A few weeks ago I went and watched that Benjamin Button movie by myself and I cried a million times in it. I cried during a preview, seriously that is why I mostly just watch comedies because I am too much of a nutcase to watch anything else. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah, I was at the scotia bank theatre which has these crazy long escalators and stairs.
There is picture of it looking down from google image search. So the movie is over and it is this real epic of an epic hollywood film that you watch and cry and get in a lets contemplate life type mood in when you watch it, but at the same time there are lots dumb hollywood type things in it that make you feel embarrassed that you are contemplating life. The whole story about Benjamin is this huge drama that is read by some woman to her dying mom in the hospital and just because I dunno they are worried that it won't be dramatic enough they also make that whole reading take place DURING HURRICANE KATRINA. Fuck also whenever someone dies apparently a CGI hummingbird shows up to carry their soul to heaven or some shit. Ugh, yeah anyway it had a bunch of dumb shit in it so you are double contemplating your own life and also the fact that we are easily affected by dumb things. I'm not sure how to describe it. ANYWAY, after the movie I was in this weird mood and I was walking down the stairs all by myself and everyone else was with other people, just standing on the escalator and I kept feeling like it was this huge analogy for my life or something. I dunno I just felt like, ugh basically we are going downhill but atleast I am noticing that we are going downhill and am moving myself there. I felt like everyone is contented to just do nothing because they have friends or boyfriends or whatever. There was some sort of sci-fi mixed in there too on account of the whole futuristic look of the place. Anyway whatever I am a loser and just always think that things are other things and then can't explain it very well. I am also really superstitious about escalators now on top of already hating them I feel like if I ever ride that escalator I will lose my own personal agency.
Fuck.
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